Fierce

It’s a word that comes to my mind a lot the last while. Fierce. I feel fierce when I fight for Liam. Not fierce in an I will attack you way, but fierce as in an undeterred strength.

Talking on the phone is very triggering for me and I only do it very occasionally with a few people close to me. I use voice apps all the time, but an actual phone call? I do anything to get out of it.

Now I have to make phone calls a lot. To the doctors. To the insurance company. With home health. Some of them are easy, but the ones with insurance take a tenacious advocating that sets my blood on fire. They make me fierce.

I feel fierceness rising up inside when I advocate for what Liam needs in the hospital. 90% of the time they are the ones suggesting things to us. But in that other ten percent when I know what he needs … I don’t back down. July is the worst time to get hospitalized in a university hospital because that’s when the fresh out of med school interns start. Some of them come in knowing their limitations; but many of them come in cocky, full of head knowledge, and so proud of their accomplishments. It takes them a few months to learn that the nurses who have been working there for years know way more than they do about the hands on aspects in that particular field until they’ve got a few months under their belts at minimum … and sometimes mamas of kids do, too.

Liam was diagnosed July 29th.

Thankfully our oncologist doesn’t give them too much leeway, but we had a few opportunities to practice speaking up for what we needed and not stopping until we got it. Fierce.

I feel fierce when I stand up and pray aloud for Liam, fighting against the powers of darkness that sometimes want to swallow us whole.

It’s the beginning of another oppresive week.

Monday morning Harrison brought me a spider and sure enough, there were two little fang marks on his wrist. Adam looked it up and we decided it was a wolf spider so usually not toxic. I put bentonite clay on it and thankfully it’s healing nicely. In the afternoon I ran to Walmart for two things and as I was waiting for a parking space not one but two cars kept backing out as though I’m not even there. One had me blocked in as the other is backing into the side of me. I had to lay on the horn three times and even so the one car barely stopped before crashing into me.

That night Bella fell off the porch and hurt her ankle. She was still not weight bearing Tuesday morning so I took her to the doctor. Liam has gotten progressively more nauseous since yesterday and vomited this morning and I’m having a hard time getting him back on track. Just as I thought I was getting things settled this morning, I fell on the steps (I’m fine. It just hurt for a bit.).

The week prior when I was taking Zara to the doctor I nearly got rear ended. The car behind me literally swerved out into the oncoming traffic to avoid hitting us. It feels as though satan is unhappy with us and just lashing out in every which way. First it was stuff going wrong with the house and van, now it’s the rest of us.

One night I was sitting on the porch when I felt compelled to walk over to the bench with the “offensive” pillow and pray out loud against the darkness. I started to pray and Mia went absolutely crazy. Harrison was squirming and fussing. This was no way to do battle. I went inside and asked Adam to lock up Mia and handed Harrison off to David before going back outside.

The darkness was almost palpable. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed until I sensed it breaking. I don’t really know how to describe what happened next. I felt the presence of God, but Liam felt “far away,” as though I could break the power of darkness that was attacking us, but whatever was after him was too strong for me.

It was sometime that week that the craziness stopped. There were no more near accidents with cars or people. David managed to get the air conditioner fixed after blowing up one part and ordering another. He saved us hundreds of dollars by doing it himself.

On Thursday Liam went to clinic in preparation for chemo. Labs got drawn and fluids were getting pushed at maximum speed for pre-hydration when it all ground to a halt. His liver enzymes were through the roof.

Crazy how much we long to be at home and now suddenly we were so disappointed. It is so much work to arrange child care, get us all packed up and out the door, but far more significantly, a delay in chemo feels like it’s giving the cells a chance to mutate and grow stronger.

In spite of the initial devastation, David and I both felt sure that God was completely in control of this one. That somehow He was working this one for Liam’s good, not harm. And no matter what, we would praise Him and enjoy the gift of a weekend at home. Together.

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