Friday February 11, 2011
It’s been one of those days that should have come with flexeril.
I ran in to the doctor’s office for my pre-op appointment. Liam was with me because the person who was planning to keep him ended up having a sick child and I wasn’t in the mood for sharing germs. It turned out to be the best changed plan of the day. He jabbered like all two year olds do and charmed people in every waiting room we entered. But best of all, he reminded me of life and happiness and kisses and love and kept me sane. Especially when we sat in the last waiting room and he said, “Me poud (proud) of ‘ou, Mommy.” Oh, really, why is that? “Woof. Woof.” Yeah, his compliments are the best.
I signed the papers for the D&E and then got ready for the confirmation ultrasound. This time there was no screen for me to watch and I really didn’t mind. No need to see the blackness again. I could not figure out why he looked and looked and looked for so long without saying anything. How long does it take to see there is no baby? He broke the silence. “Well, this is not a normal pregnancy, but I think we’re looking at a molar.” I literally sat halfway up to stare at the screen. “See this spongy looking cyst on the back of your uterus.” It was sprinkled with black holes. “We need a better look. I’m sending you up to Pantops to get a high definition ultrasound. Oh, and we’ll need to do some bloodwork.”
Suddenly it was all flurry and paperwork. I looked at Liam and knew he would keep cooperating a lot better post lunch so we headed for David’s office. Apparently my brain stayed in the OB office. David’s office is five blocks away, but I was six miles down toward the other end of town before I realized I’d gone the wrong direction. We finally got there and heated up our lunches.
Liam and I headed out the door hoping to get the ultrasound done before they left for lunch since I was simply being worked in and didn’t have an appointment. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long at all. The tech came in to do the ultrasound and then left to get the doctor. Thirty seconds later Liam starts dancing and says, “Me need doe potty.” I just knew it would happen. Even though I’d just taken him at David’s office. I grabbed my clothes and we dashed down the hallway and I stood him in front of the toilet where he started dancing again, “No, me need doe poo poo.” Better yet, I groaned. But I decided not to complain when I saw that he had one of those near diarrhea allergy things going on and thanked God he actually made it to the toilet in time since I was certainly not prepared for anything else. We hurried back to the room and I got up on the table again.
The second ultrasound confirmed the first although we won’t know for sure until the pathology results come in the end of next week. And it really doesn’t make a difference regarding surgery, it just entirely changes the follow-up plan.
That done we drove to the next place to get my bloodwork done. I was out and ready to unbuckle Liam when I reached back in for my lab order. Not there. I called the OB office to see if I had left it there but they were shut down on lunch break and I just got the answering service. She said they’d call back. So I drove back down to David’s office to fill out pre-admission paper work and went to drop it off and pay my ctyology bill from my first appointment. I signed so many papers today, but I never did see the one that says, “I didn’t actually mean to sign up for this.” By the time it was done I called back in and they started looking for the paper. I was pretty sure I was going to have to go back for another when I started going through my papers again and found it on the back of the directions sheet. Ding, ding. David laughed and reminded me about the deposit I was planning to make.
Back up to the lab and finally, finally I was on my way to pick up Adam. The day was shot and I thought about the sorry little grocery list in my purse that was now going to have to wait until tomorrow. Finally, finally we got home … and I found the deposit still sitting in my purse. Brain, you are welcome to begin functioning again aaaaaaaaanytime.
Thankfully molar pregnancies — or gestational trophoblastic diseases as my doctor said they are now calling it — are very rare … about 1:1000 births. There are two kinds, complete and partial. Different things happen depending on the kind but in general, cells that would normally become a placenta grow abnormally and rapidly form small tumors that look like grape clusters. Treatment is a D&C (which thankfully in my case was already in the plans so no crazy scheduling there) and then monitoring hormone levels for six months to a year. Sometimes microscopic cells come back invading other organs like cancer and must be treated with chemotherapy. Because of the very close monitoring, it is usually caught very early and almost 100% treatable. The good news is that only 5% of women with a partial mole have cells reappear and 10-20% with a complete mole. So far I’m not too worried. They said it’s a very good sign that my ovaries are still normal size and that it was caught so early. Ok, I lied. (I am a liiittle bit scared.) Mostly we have just been glad one million times over that we actually decided to do a D&E instead of continuing to wait it out. My story could have turned out very differently.
The bad news is that, either way, we won’t be having a baby again for a very long time. David and I are both bummed about that. There are a lot of things that are really cute about the way Adam and Liam interact even though it wasn’t our choice to have a four year age gap between them. But we really didn’t want that again. Most of the time, you can’t even read the same story to them. One child wants to roller blade, the other has just learned how to ride a tricycle. And I know that large families have that discrepancy anyway, but they also have the fun of having sibling groups to play with, not one here and one over there.
We both adore babies, but we’re both looking forward even more to the time when our children are past that whole diapers and car seats and pack and play and high chair stage. The boys are more fun every year and we were both excited about some day soon kind of moving along to that next fun stage of going to museums and big camping trips and all that stuff that’s so much more work with a baby. You know, the playing softball in the back yard stage. Plus, neither one of us is getting younger. David looked at me and said, “We’re going to end up in our sixties by the time our kids are like, twenty-three.”
But it’s like my friend said today when I called her and just spilled it all out, “You know, when we get hit with babies so close together we always say, God is ultimately in control of our family, and we’ve just got to believe that this is what is right for you guys.” And it is so true. David and I talked about how different this year will be with my not pregnant and actually human and functional. I think there’s probably a reason; I just don’t know what it is. Whatever happens, I don’t want this to feel like a wasted year.
And frankly, I am still hoping hope against hope that pathology will call and say, “all clear.” Hey, we can always hope.
oh, michelle! what a roller coaster! but i was praising our God with you that you had made the difficult ( 🙂 ) decision to have a d&c, so that was already in place and this is not continuing on to perhaps cause much worse problems.
praying you will be able to clearly trace the purpose for no new baby this year. and even if you can’t, i pray you will feel sheltered and loved by the One who does know clearly.
Our doctor told us I would have trouble conceiving and carrying another pregnancy. We had quite a time with getting Emma… So now I have already started thinking about wanting another baby, but I want to wait to try because I don’t want to get on that emotional roller coaster again! My thoughts are with you!
I am definitely going keep you in my prayers, Michelle. And i hope things go as well as or better than can be expected. You may or may not ever fully understand why this happened, and why you’ll get to spend this year “human and functional” but I pray that God will give you enough answers and enough peace to satisfy you…
words just fail me, Im sorry I don’t know what to say or not to say…but do know this, I do Care and Im so Sorry! I think you’re being Very Brave, I know I’d be more than shaking like a leaf! Oh and next time, please let me take care of Liam..so glad it went ok but wow don’t think I would have coped w/ that at all with everything you had to do!
Blessings in the next days….keep on being brave!
oh, my. been wondering about you, and how you were doing. i really do not know what to say except I care and hoping for the best!
Hugs=XXXX I understand about wanting to “move on to the next stage”. We were both older when we got married n wanted to get started but God had other plans– I guess we’ll just pray for healthy to still be around when ours is grown:)
yeah.. where is that paper that says, “I didn’t sign up for this!” 🙂
love you dear & shooting flair prayers up often on your behalf.
the end is in sight~ though i know the pain is not.
thinking of you.
God I know has a plan. God really does plan families-even the big gaps. My parents had 3 kids and then there’s a six year gap between me and my brother…I’m one of those who’s 23 and my parents are 66 but I know they wouldn’t change it for anything. God knows what he’s doing even if it’s not our plan.
The other side of having siblings close together is the fact they want to read the same book and are more prone to fight over everything 🙂
continuing to pray for you on this journey. I am glad that you had already been planning on having a D&C, but what a God thing that they were able to also discover what might have been something that if unknown could have effected your health. praying that the Lord will make himself known this year to you…andt that the moments with all of your boys will be blessed.
Wow Michelle. I don’t what to say other then, you are in my thoughts and prayers. . . I don’t know you very well, yet, but know that I care, and we have a God that cares and has a VERY special plan for you and David! I would love to give you a hug, so here is a hug { 🙂 }!!!
Wow Michelle, crazy days you’ve been having. I’ve been thinking of you–and praying too. I’ve never experienced the crush of dying dreams, and just saying it that makes me feel bad. Anyway, I’m hoping that your year in retrospect will be a great, God-filled one.
Oh. my. word. Please, please, let everything come back normal!
I am so sorry for everything that you have been going through. What a rollercoaster! Hugs and prayers of grace being sent your way.
Oh my! So sad with you. I’ll keep on praying for you!
Wow! What a tough thing you have been going through!
My heart goes out to you. Not sure what else to say…but that I care.
Oh, Michelle!! My heart just sank when I read the words, “molar pregnancy.” One of my friends had that several years ago, so I knew exactly what you were going to say next, and I just thought it can’t be!! That is really scary, because I know those kinds of pregnancies can be so dangerous! And I’m sad for you, because really, it’s two things to grieve now. Not just the loss of the baby, which is huge in itself, but also the death of a desire for a baby soon. 🙁 My heart just really really goes out to you… Praying for you, beautiful woman… ~♥
thinking of you…
and talking to The One who can hold you tight,
whispering the right words,
never wasting a single hurt.
love you.
Thankful that God isn’t surprised by all this, that it is in His control, and that your little one is safe with Him. May He continue to lead you gently.
after you posted this I had to google molar pregnancies and know more. And now I’m feeling very sad for you that you have to wait so long to have another. I hope the D&C and consecutive follow-ups go smoothly and without complications, and that the next year will fly by!
Only God can create beauty from the ugly reality of our lives. I am confident that He has a beautiful plan for your family. May you find peace as you wait for Him to reveal it to you. I continue to pray…
O dear. I’ve been so out of touch and haven’t been online much at all for the last while. So, when I read your last post about surgery, I came here and found out why. I am praying for a miracle Michelle. Whatever He has planned for you, may you FEEL His heart of love and care!! Hugs.
Oh, and we know all about having 20 year old children in our sixties! Seriously. It’s not my choice either. We look at it this way….having children later in life, helps keep us younger longer!
I rest in the fact that God’s is weaving the tapestry of my/our lives and I can only see the “back side” of the tapestry. It doesn’t all make sense, but I have a feeling the side HE is looking at is just perfect. So, take courage my friend. Love you!!
Today I was thinking this part too–wondering what God has planned for this year. Wondering why He’s planning for this age gap thing again. but knowing somehow it’s a part of something good in your life and hoping someday now or much later it will be clear.