Life with a Strong-Willed Child

The other day I posted a picture of Bella throwing a fit to my instagram stories.  It was 7:30 in the morning and this was the third or fourth fit she’d thrown since waking up fifteen minutes prior.  After writing a few more words about life with a strong-willed child and especially to first time moms in that category, my inbox went cu-razy.  So many people said,

“This is me.”

“Thank you for helping me feel normal.”

“Please send help.”

“This was us.  And now she’s __ years old and that strong will is such a gift!”

I’m not a child-rearing expert and quite frankly, I shy away from writing about child training stuff period.  For one thing, I’m still learning a lot.  I parent differently now than I did fourteen years ago in some ways even though the gist of it is still the same.  Our kids aren’t grown.  (Well, Adam looks like he is!)  Who’s to say what we think is helpful actually is?  And you know how you tell your mom your kids won’t eat broccoli and then they go to her house and she has to make a second batch?  Well, I think there’s this subtle fear that I’ll post what’s working and it will all blow up in my face! Plus,  there really aren’t formulas.  Kids are so unique and we bring such unique dynamics as parents.  I think one of the things I see more and more the older I get is the way our strengths and broken places as parents shape how we parent our kids.  But that’s a different story and this is likely to turn into an epistle already.

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Here’s what kicked off the discussion.

This girl can throw fits hundreds of times a day and still not run out of steam.  So far it’s 7:30 and she’s had a screaming match because Zara was in our bed first.    Several more mini fits about needing to get a barrette for her hair and about coming downstairs.  Now she’s furious because Zara is still asleep.

I really thought that after Adam nothing could surprise me, but I’m telling you, this one stretches me even further than he did.  We are raising strong, independent kids who will not be easily shaken.  But good gracious, navigating their toddler years is enough to make you cry out for alllllllll the wisdom and patience in the world and then some.

People will often hear stories like this and say, “Oh, yes, typical two year old.”  It’s not.  It’s typical two year old taken to a much bigger level.  I wish someone could have told me that with Adam.  But I was a first time mom and when everyone said that, I assumed it was normal and there must be something wrong with me as a mom. Now I’ve had four kids and I’ve seen the difference between typical two year old and the two year old with a super intense personality.

If you’re doing this for the first time and it feels over the top and you wonder why your child doesn’t respond the same way you see other kids respond, I hope you find a safe mama friend to talk to.  It’s not impossible, but it’s exhausting.  So I wish it for you.  Because especially as a first time mom it can make you doubt everything you once believed about yourself and about motherhood.  And one day you will have a strong capable fourteen year old you can trust to hold a line and you will shake your head and marvel.

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If this is you, I still wish for you a person to talk to and to explore what’s going on.  There just isn’t anything that can match that personal exploration and encouragement.  But it got me thinking about some of the things I’ve learned and I thought I’d share.

What does this look like?

It’s the intensity that goes on and on and on.  For both of ours, there is a year or two where it feels as though they are angry more than they are happy.  Bella is in the transitional stage now where she has happy days with episodes and she still has days where she literally wakes up angry and I know it’s going to be a long day.

It doesn’t always look the same.  Adam hated cuddles and resisted so much physical affection.  A hug was sometimes enough to make him throw a fit if he wasn’t in the mood.  But he certainly wasn’t shy and we dealt with things in public as much as in private.  Bella is shy so most people have no clue about the intensity of her personality.  A few people have gotten a glimpse and it’s always a little funny watching the surprise on their face.  But she loves cuddles, sometimes to the point of demanding attention.

For Bella, we can get an issue resolved and she will be happy for say, fifteen minutes, and then without anything changing, you can see the memory flit across her face and she will flip a switch and be angry all over again about what happened earlier.  For both of them, they would sometimes wake up angry and irritated because they didn’t get their way the night before even though the issue seemed resolved and they went to bed seemingly at rest.

They were both so strong physically!  Their level of anger gives them a crazy amount of strength.  I nearly lost my hold on Bella before she was even two because she was so angry about needing to get back into her carseat and flipped herself backward toward the van floor out of my hands.  Someone should have told me to go to the gym before she was born!

The other thing that has been true for both of them has been that they are both intelligent and logical.  Kids all develop at their own speed, but it’s interesting to notice that it’s broken down even more.  Some children will be more precocious physically but the logical / mental side of things is a little slower.  These are the kids that give their moms heart attacks because they are climbing / crawling / escaping / and hurtling their little bodies through the air because they are so physically capable but their logic hasn’t caught up to keep them from danger.  Then there are the kids who are born thinking they are practically adults.  Inside, they comprehend so much more than what they are able to communicate and they see themselves as grown up and far more capable of making decisions and carrying on the world than we perceive based on the size of their body or their actions.

On those days when it feels like life is one wave of temper tantrum after another, it helps so much to remember that as human beings, our weaknesses are our strengths taken to the extreme.  This strong will is actually the gift of determination, grit, and passion.  It simply hasn’t learned healthy boundaries or the skill of negotiation and being a team player.  And over and over I have to remind myself of where they are developmentally.  Having big emotions and a strong will is not a shameful thing and neither does having that sort of behavior get repeated over and over indicate you are a poor parent.

For both of them, communication was a huge key! Acknowledge what they want even if they can’t get their way.  Otherwise they will continue to throw a fit because they simply think you don’t comprehend what it is they want.  Instead of, “No, you can’t wake Zara right now,” try,  “You want Zara to wake up?  Yes, I know you want Zara to wake up, so she can play with you.  But she is still tired so we need to let her sleep and then when she wakes up she can play with you.”  It’s not a magic bullet and it doesn’t begin to always stop the fit; but not acknowledging what they are trying to communicate is a sure way to make things go a lot longer.  Sometimes it’s helpful to simply say, “Maybe we can do that sometime.” Or, “That would be fun.  You would really enjoy having that sometime,” instead of a flat out no.  Kids need to learn that no means no, but goodness, not every single thing in every single day needs to turn into a battle.  Especially not in aisle fourteen in Target. And pray they learn to talk!  Once their communication skills emerge, things get a little easier to work with.  Some of their intense anger is born out of the frustration of knowing exactly what they want and not having the ability to verbalize it to their parents who have no idea they’re thinking such big thoughts.

These kids want control and they want to prove they are independent.  With most kids giving choices works.  Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work here.  They will refuse all the options you gave them just because you gave them instead of them initiating.  You’re simply going to have to figure out how best to navigate the minefield.  Some days you will want to buy ear plugs.

It’s easy to start seeing these kids as the “tough kids” who need “tough love.”  In reality, they may have extra big feelings.  Sometimes that’s obvious.  Sometimes it’s hidden under an “I don’t care” demeanor.

On irritable days, too much praise can flip them.  Think of them as overstimulated days.  It’s easy to want to really praise them when something positive happens to reinforce the positive and make up for all the negative feedback they get.  Instead, on a highly volatile day, it’s better to keep it casual.  Say good job or thank you and move on.  They need less everything including praise and so, so, so much more calm on those days.  You will learn when your child needs to be called to higher behavior, “You need to use words instead of crying so I can understand you,” and when they simply need to be held in a fuzzy blanket until the meltdown is over.  You will say things like, “It’s ok to feel angry, but it’s not ok to fight mommy.”

Having said that, they desperately need positive poured into their little beings.  On calm days, pump them full!  One of the things I did with Bella was to often whisper, “You are so sweet” in her ear when she was calm.  I would rub her back and say it over and over.  Sometimes when she thought her life had fallen apart, I could bring her back from the storm by whispering, “Where is my sweet Bella?”  Adam didn’t like hugs and cuddles, but he thought it was great if I played chase and then when I caught him I’d wrap him up in a quick hug and laughter and put him back down to run again.  He also loved stories and by the time he was a little over a year old it was the only time he’d happily sit in my lap for a long time.  Find ways to bring calm and joy into their lives so that it becomes their normal and the place they want to get back to.

Find ways to laugh with them for your sake and theirs.  Often.  I can’t say this enough.  I distinctly remember feeling so overwhelmed and just weary through and through back when Adam was two.  One day we were at my sister’s house and she took him outside with her to hang up laundry.  Within minutes she and he were playing hide and seek between the sheets and he was giggling hysterically.  I realized with shock that I hadn’t heard him giggle like that in a long time and it made me see the real little him inside the little boy who was bucking everything I said.  If you are getting really overwhelmed, shut down life as much as you can and figure out a way to have fun.  You both need it!

Some of the things we’ve found most helpful is to be super clear in our expectations and then {the hardest part and it only gets harder the more kids you have} to be oh, so consistent in holding a line.  Try working on one thing at a time.  If you think it’s overwhelming to keep correcting, imagine how overwhelming it is to be the child who is constantly being corrected.  When things get tough, David and I will talk through together which thing we want to work on most and then focus on that one thing.  Maybe it’s obeying right away.  Maybe it’s not throwing a fit about being told what to do.  And then deal with that one thing every time it happens.  When other things happen, remind and move on.  Eventually you will see progress on that one thing and you can move to the next.

The other thing that feels helpful is to look at what might be going on underneath.  While it’s true that these kids respond in big ways, what is going on in life for them?  Are there things going on in your life that they might perceive as stressors?  Building a house?  Moving?  Financial stress?  Difficult relationship dynamics?  Sometimes eliminating their stressor looks like working through your own.  With both of mine, I look back and see some significant emotional things I worked through while pregnant with them.  Coincidence?  I suspect not, but there is no way to prove it.  Either way, it’s definitely true that when I’m stressed, they have a harder time staying calm and in control.  Also, don’t miss the obvious. Are they hungry?  Tired?  Bored?  Sometimes this is all just part of a strong, emerging sense of self and sometimes it’s a symptom of huge life changes in your family that are making them feel insecure.  Those two things need such different types of responses!

Boredom gets mine quickly, especially if their brains develop more quickly than their bodies.  Keeping them engaged and stretched is so, so helpful.  Giving them little jobs to do that make them feel big and helpful is like the best preventative for a meltdown.  Keep their minds engaged or stretched.  Play guessing games in the car like, “I see something blue” or ask them “what color is the sky” based on their level.  Teach them right from left or what is two plus one while you’re combing their hair and they’ll forget you are combing out tangles.   Taking them outside to the park or better yet in nature where they need to navigate differences in terrain and texture is so good for not just their bodies, but for their brains and emotions.  I call this parenting from ahead instead of from behind.

A few months ago, the intensity of Bella’s battle seemed focused on her emerging independence from me.  She wanted to be seen as a big kid the same way she perceived the other three.  Things lessened a bit and then I got pregnant and everything fell apart while I lay on the recliner lost in waves of nausea and exhaustion.  Now she seems lost in a world of second born comparison to Zara. Where once she loved following Zara’s lead, she now wants equal rights …. and the same doll and the same crayon and the same stroller at the very same second.  It’s not so much that my response to her disrupted behavior is changing, but being aware of what she is processing helps me think about what would be helpful when I’m parenting from ahead.

These are persistent kids who need an equally persistent parent.  Forget all those “successful parents” who tell you things like, “Yeah, we had this one big episode and we did xyz and after that things went differently.”  Maybe that worked for them, but please don’t set that expectation on yourself or your child.  When Adam was little I clung to the phrases in Isaiah like a lifeline.  “Precept upon precept.  Line upon line.  Here a little and there a little.  Backward and forward.”  Out of context, yes, but it gave me the courage I needed to just keep going.

On those days when you can’t appeal to their sense of wanting to be an adult, when you’re in town and trying to allay the oncoming wave but they’re outsmarting your reverse psychology and bribes aren’t working and even the emergency measure of a lollipop is scorned, remember those lines. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work.  But it will shift!  Don’t compare yourself to other moms.  Don’t compare your child to other kids.

Do pray a lot for wisdom.  For love (yes, I said that and if you’re still here, you know why).  For patience.  And for ways to support yourself so you can do this well, whether you need space physically or a babysitter for a day or even overnight or just a place to talk about all the big emotions you’re feeling from absorbing the tsunami day after day after day.  Sometimes I think that place to talk is the most important part of it all.  It’s so easy to lose perspective when you are doing this 24/7 and sometimes you just need to talk about it and hear someone encourage you.  I remember talking to my friend, Ruth, about Adam when he was little and there was some masked fear in my words that we really were up against something huge and insurmountable.  Her words never left me.  “Maybe he has an extra strong sense of God giving man dominion over the earth.”  Her words helped me to see his intensity as a God-given strength instead of something to fear.

PS: Listen to your child play.  Just observe sometime instead of playing with them, especially if they don’t know you are watching and listening.  You will learn so much about what they are feeling inside.  I’ve only settled about a dozen things with Bella while writing this, but I’ve also overheard her talking to her lollaloopsie doll.  “You want to doe wif Mommy.  You sad? When you mad you tan doe wif Mommy. You need be sweet.” And a dozen more sentences.  The last two days could make me think she’s not gotten a thing, but when I listen I hear her verbalizing to herself the concepts she is learning.  She knows she is safe, loved, and exactly what the role is she’s trying to grow into.  And the very same thing that makes her hang onto her own way of doing life now will one day make her push toward big life goals in spite of resistance.

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