Monday December 17, 2007
Today I am engulfed with grattitude. You don’t realize how wonderful “normal” is until it disappears.
For over a year, we slaved away at building our house. All chances at a social life and family disappeared in time spent at the house. I knew I had friends; but sometimes I had no idea what was going on in their life because I didn’t have the time or energy to pursue friendship. Relationships are not something I live well without. The last five months were the worst. Puttying nail holes, caulking, and sanding for hundreds of hours left me feeling more like a redneck then anything remotely feminine. Even after a shower there were ragged fingernails, dry skin, and probably paint somewhere that got missed. But I was too tired to care. The only non-house place it seemed we went was church. David Lee and I decided to save money by not buying clothes for either of us for the year. Where would we have worn them anyway? He said the discipline would be good for us. Maybe it was but I secretly thought he was almost a glutton for punishment. At the same time, I really wanted to save money so I agreed. (And I still refuse to be trite and say, “it was really good for us” even though it probably was.)
In the last few weeks I have celebrated a best friend’s birthday with more good friends, gotten a hug from another best friend who saw I was not doing well emotionally, talked on the phone with family and friends, and in general felt very, very loved and cared for. Today I got the nicest email from another incredibly good friend. I know there are people who live hermit lives and think they don’t need other people. Not me. Today I am overwhelmed with gratitude for friends and the ability to have relationships. (And today I am thinking of my friend, Gina, who is in that last, frantic stage with her house. If you can, visit her here, and give her three cheers. They’re almost done.)
For a year and a half, David Lee and I waited and prayed for a baby. It was probably the longest, most painful journey of my life. I watched both my sisters and all three sisters-in-law have their babies and seemingly every woman in church was pregnant or had a baby. Yet every month brought a fresh, heart-wrenching grief for me. A grief like death. I wondered if God cared. I wondered if it even helped to pray. And as my odd phsyical symptoms magnified, I wondered if I would ever be normal. We spent more money on our infertility workup then many people do to have a baby and had no more answers then we did before we started. I dreaded holidays and family get-togethers with fat babies and beaming mommies and all their stark reminders of what should have been and wasn’t. I felt startling, knife-stabbing pain every time a pregnant woman walked into view … even if I knew I was going to see her. I sobbed uncontrollably and mercilessly before young marrieds activities.
In August, God asked me to pray very specifically about our infertility. I didn’t want to. I was afraid of becoming bitter if my prayers went unanswered again and told Him so. Still, I felt His spirit asking me to pray that we would conceive a baby that month. Finally I gave in, crying and asking God to help me ask. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I felt a warm flush through my abdomen. God’s prescence was as real in that moment as the warmth of the sunlight streaming through the french doors. I really sobbed then and sang in worship through my tears. Two weeks later, my pregnancy test showed positive. Today my tummy bulges and the baby kicks. Every day I am overwhelmed with gratitude with the sheer wonder of a gift I never expected to experience again. (And today, as every day, I remember the new friends I made through this journey. Many of them have been on this road so much longer then I, and have experienced gut-wrenching losses I never faced. My heart cries for them in their pain, especially now at Christmas with all it’s family gatherings and celebration and I hope you join me in praying for them. If you have a friend who is facing infertility, I hope you give her a hug and let her cry and tell her how much you care about the pain she is going through.)
For three months this summer, Adam and I both suffered from a strep infection that kept beating us down in spite of antibiotics. I was exhausted all the time and by the end of the three months it wasn’t uncommon to experience heart palpitations or to get winded from going up two flights of steps. Finally, finally after a round of antibiotics that cost us well over one hundred dollars, we tested negative. The symptoms continued for several weeks; but finally I was beginning to feel normal. Then I got pregnant. And while I was overjoyed to think of having a baby, I got sick fast and hard. Sometimes the past four months feel like a blur of misery. There were days I wondered if I’d make it to the end of the day and days I almost hoped I wouldn’t. But now things are getting better. And even though I was so sick Saturday night I wondered if I was still human, I’m having good days sprinkled in with the bad.
Today I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the simple ability to do housework, to eat most foods, and to smile. (And today I am thinking of people who face life-threatening diseases like cancer, stroke, and even diabetes.)
Today I thank God for the good things …. good, normal things. And today I ask God not to let me forget the bad moments so that I will appreciate normal for what it really is. (Maybe trite quotes are more accurate then I give them credit for.)
I got teary-eyed reading your story, and I hope that others will be as blessed as I was by it. Just last night I was telling my husband that I think it’s been good for me to have to “work” to have children. You treasure them soooo much more than if they were just handed to you.
Tears in my eyes. Thank-you. Blessings!
praising God for
his faithfulness!!
My heart knows the hurt that you felt. It’s so hard but in the end God seems so much closer for all you’ve went through. You have a wonderful story to someday tell your little one.
Michelle, I’m so happy for you. I had no idea the struggle you went through, isn’t amazing how God wants us to ask Him and when we do He answers so wonderfully. I’m glad to hear you are feeling a little better and I hope it continues to be that way. It will be nice to have you be your normal bubbly self. I miss that in you.:) I tried to call you tonight, I wanted to tell you about the struggle I was having:(:(:(:( Maybe it was good you didn’t answer. I had time to think about it and repent:) Now you’re probably as curious as the cat> See ya, Gina
Feel along with you…. wish you could have been with us Sunday in class. I know you could have taught us something! We don’t all face the same things, but we all have these times… the way we face them, deal with them makes all the difference how we “turn out”. What a blessing to be able to see the good and grow from the experience! Bless you!
Bless you, Michelle. Your honesty and openness is so beautiful. I praise God with you for the new baby, and at the same time, I hope I never forget about the pain that some of my friends go through in that very thing.
Blessings be upon you!
Thank you, Michelle, for sharing your story. It takes courage to share, and I’m glad you had that courage today. And that even in the midst of not feeling well, you’re experiencing gratitude. Joy in the rain! I love how God can do that…
What an amazing post! Bless you!
I do not know you but I was so blessed by your post. I too know what infertility is like and it is not easy. Whether it is secondary infertility or primary it is all the same, it still HURTS. Again thank you for what you wrote, I do not want to hope but I do it every month.
oh my dear michelle…….your post makes the tears roll down my cheeks. you are so brave to share your story and i’m sure you will never know all the ppl that will read your post and be so blessed and probably helped in some way . i am so very glad that you at least some of the time are feeling more normal again and i truly hope really soon it will be all good. once you hold the little babe you will forget all this….well…maybe. lol at least it will have been worth it.
reading about the house is painful to me cause the drywall guys are nearing completion…altho they said with christmas it’ll be after before they get all the way done. it’s all hung and they’re finishing it. but i’m getting them to texture some of the walls so….i still know that real soon the painting etc will start.
well dear i hope you have an awesome day and keep your grateful spirit….it’ll get you far in life. luv ya , K
To my dear friend Michelle, I was So touched when I read this today and I just want to give you a BIG HUG ! I hurt with you and I’m happy with you. You are a very Special Blessing and I Love you for it. Have a fantastic day, hoping your feeling very encouraged.
Incredible how God answered your plea for a baby! I still feel slight nausea when I think about the first months of my pgs, but thankfully, time does dim the memories.
Last night I burst into tears about all the presurres I’m faced with right now; Christmas activities, regular household duities that don’t get done, packing that isn’t getting done, and a house that gets dirtier by the day…..not enough sleep, no decent meals get cooked…Sometimes I wonder if I try to do too much or am I a poor manager??? This morning, things look more managable again but I still wonder how everything will get done. Christmas season is NOT a good time to move but our place is sold, so we’ve got to go soon!
So glad you are feeling better!
Bless you all Michelle!!!!!! 🙂 love ya
I too love NORMAL….. Loved your honesty and know many of the feelings you went through in “longing” for a child and also the whole house thingy.. not feeling feminine and yet, I also loved the feeling of being needed as my husband was so proud of my being his shadow and being willing to get dirty. I was not less lady in his eyes and I really do treasure those memories now and I’m sure you will too. (that’s been 8 yrs. ago) Was that whole “clothes thingy” hard to do? I’ve been thinking about that for myself and think it would really be good for me. Boy, but a year is a long time, especially if you LOVE clothes. Wishing you a beautiful day and I know God sees so much beauty in your life. Merry Christmas!
Thank you Michelle, Blessings to you! Kim
Beautiful post! So glad you’re feeling better and hope all continues to go well for you!
Very nicely written.
One more normal you can add to the list: I’m preparing for landing–expect to see me on planet earth shortly.
Michelle, I wish I had read your post before last night. I would have been sure to give you a HUGE, engulfing hug! I’m serious, you inspire me to have a more grateful heart & spirit. Thank you, thank you for sharing all of that. It was beautiful. And it made me realize anew how wonderful and what a blessing my babies are.
Has the beginning of your week been better than the weekend? I hope so. And I keep hoping that very soon you’ll feel better for good. See you tomorrow….and I hope it’s a feel-good day!
Wonderfully worded,
Hey!!!! Okay, I admit it’s true. And I so enjoyed the gab session yesterday, too.
awesome post.
and, sadly, yes. people call him egzander all.the.time. i am shocked at how many people do, to tell you the truth. and it slays me when someone says, “how do you spell his name?” i tell them and then they say. ” oh! i’ve been saying it wrong. i was saying zander, but it is EGzander!” that has happened more than once.
i LOVE his name, but i guess i didn’t quite see this happening over and over.
wonderful post….you worded your story perfectly!
YEA! I was happy 🙂 when I saw your name on the list for Sunday evening!!!