Chesed

Monday November 28, 2011

By Michelle November 28, 2011 Uncategorized 51 Comments

Light My Candle          Prayers in the Darkness of Miscarriage

Stephanie first contacted me about her book this summer with questions about self-publishing and marketing.  I was thrilled when she agreed to do a giveaway here, partially because I so much wanted an opportunity to read her book, Light My Candle.

The book came last week and that evening, I innocently sat down to read.  I wasn’t more than five pages in before I was crying.  I haven’t cried about our baby for a long time.  Do I think about it?  Nearly every day.  Time really does ease the intensity of painful experiences.  I was surprised to find how much is still lurking in the corners of my soul.

Stephanie’s first pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  She had a baby girl and then another miscarriage.  And finally, a second baby girl.  As she told me earlier, “Miscarriage is the subject of the book I have (somewhat accidently) written.  I never intended to write a book about miscarriage, but after my second one (miscarriage, not book), I realized that what I had written in order to cope with my pain could be used to minister to another woman’s pain.”

How right she was.  Light My Candle is written free verse poetry style with snippets of Stephanie’s story interspersed to help you understand the emotions she writes about.  I love the way she addresses so many aspects of miscarriage.  The tremendous grief, the difference in the way men and women grieve, the difficulty of facing another women with a baby, and how others can show care; but even more, I like the way she addresses the less common.  Things like feeling as though you are a creator of death.  Feeling as though your body has failed.  The way your child is forgotten …. in a much greater way than someone who loses a living child or even a full-term infant. 

I’m going to put a few excerpts here because I don’t think anything I say will give adequate credibility to the beauty and depth of what she has written.  Stephanie, if you read this, thank you from all of us for sharing your heart with this much vulnerability.

One paragraph from “Try Again” on page 44:
Try again?
     Babies shouldn’t be
            an assignment gone wrong,
                     a redo —
                an erased mistake
                               painstakingly reworked.
They should effortlessly awake
            beneath their mother’s heart
     in the sweet afterglow of love.
A little heart should quietly find it’s rhythm
      and thump out its promise of life
                                 to come,
                                        to stay.
We shouldn’t have to “try.”

And another paragraph from “Our Loss” on page 90:
Instead of being
             a fountain of life,
    I have become a funeral pyre
          on which two have been borne
                            into eternity.

And the one I’ll probably never be able to read without crying because it describes me.

Moments
It was a moment
              captured in the sunshine and laughter
     of a little girl
  and two puppies
                   tumbling across the lawn.
          Unbidden
came the thought:
          you should be here, too,
       in the sunshine and laughter.

It was a moment
              hidden deep in the night shadows
       as I tucked a blanket
    under a chubby chin,
                    whispering lullabies to my baby.
               Unbidden
  came the thought:
            you should be here, too,
        in the night shadows.

It was a moment
              woven in the tapestry of my day.
       I watched her face
  as she discovered something new,
                   and I knew wonder again.
              Unbidden
 came the thought:
           you should be here, too,
       in the tapestry of my days.

It was a moment
             encircled in the warmth of family.
       I sat beside my love
 and she played at my feet,
                  and all was as it should be.
               Unbidden
 came the thought:
          you should be here, too,
       in the warmth of family.

These are the moments
            marking the passing of time.
     I am in the midst
               and whirl of life,
                      when suddenly I think of you.
              Unbidden
  is this thought:
       you should be here, too.

But you are in a better place,
                 and somehow;
   I imagine you standing,
                      tiptoed and smiling,
       peering through a pearly portal
                between our world and yours.

You watch us
        in this harried, hurried life,
               and sometimes,
I think, I hear you whisper;
            “Oh, Mommy,
                 you should be Here, too.”

               *****************************************
Stephanie is giving away one copy of her book.  I will close this giveaway on Friday, December 2.  To enter, please leave a comment on this post.  Linking to your blog or facebook will give you a second entry (leave a second comment please because I’m using a random number generator).  I thought of putting stipulations on who can enter, but decided at the last minute not to.  But can I ask that if you win you would consider loaning your copy freely with friends who experience a miscarriage?  There is something powerfully healing about reading words from another woman who has walked a similar journey of pain.  I also tried to decide if it would be kosher for me to enter my own giveaway because I’d really like to keep the book myself.    I won’t; but that should tell you how much I like it because I’m trying not to acquire things that need to be packed and moved next summer.

To order your own copy, email Stephanie at lightmycandle{at}abcmailbox{dot}net
The book retails for $11.95 plus 6% sales tax for PA residents.
Anyone who mentions the giveaway when ordering gets free shipping.

And just for fun (why does that word sound so out of place in this post), if I were currently giving the book to a woman experiencing a miscarriage it might look something like this:

*soft throw because she’s going to spend a lot of time on the sofa longing for physical and emotional healing
*chocolates … although this would depend on her experience.  I was so nauseous from the crazy high HCG levels with my molar that a Coke would have been much nicer
*something symbolizing hope.  I keep this card visible in my kitchen even though it can barely stand on it’s own from water damage.  My friend Cindy sent it on the mail with my due date and the most powerful, but simple words inside.  I needed the comfort of her words inside in those dreadful, dark days.  I need that message of hope every single day since.  And so it stays.  Reminding me to believe.

I was going to include a box of tissues and forgot until I’d already taken the picture.  I was absolutely showered with gifts of love during my miscarriage.  Among other things, there were beautiful flowers delivered to my door over and over from friends far away and from family.  At least three times I received pink tulips …. it was so perfect because not only are they almost my favorite flower, they symbolized hope to me.  The way a bulb dies and bursts into bloom every Spring.  The color pink … reminding me that happy days would come again.  A far away friend I’ve only met once sent little pink shoes and a hair clip because her girls were sure it was a girl (love them!  I always think of the baby as a girl now) and books for each of the boys.  Liam has wanted that story read so many times … a story of a little girl and her mommy’s lost baby.  And one friend sent a lovely card with a tea bag inside.  It was so sweet and thoughtful.  Twice someone brought cookies.  Meals appeared which was beyond nice because I was still so nauseous I had a hard time cooking.  So I know that many of you already know how to reach out with love.  But if you’ve ever wondered, claim ignorance no longer.

Oh, and the other day someone asked what I’m getting out of the giveaways and I suspected others are wondering, too.  The answer is nothing, unless you count trips to the post office and I hadn’t been having withdrawal symptoms concerning those.  There are many people who helped me along the way with writing my books and I simply wanted to share the love and keep the circle of giving going.  And if you’ve authored a book or know someone interested, message me.  I would be happy to feature your book here.

*************** This giveaway is now closed *******************

51 thoughts on “Monday November 28, 2011”

  2. richlyblest

    Is a person allowed to enter 3 of your giveaways on the off-chance that she might actually win one of them?! Anyhow, those excerpts you shared- amazing, stirring words- that is my kind of poetry. I don’t connect with the rhyming stuff that I grew up thinking of as poetry, but I do connect w/ prose with a poetic quality.

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  6. happyangel78

    This book sounds wonderful.  Her writing is so honest & SO well written.  I’d love to have this book to give to a friend that has had 4 miscarriages and is now currently almost 30 weeks pregnant.  This is the first time she has made it this far, so it’s a real miracle. Continuing to pray all keeps going well with her & her baby girl.

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  7. clearlyhis

    If I don’t win, I will definitely be ordering one and maybe a couple extra to have on hand….  Tears welled as I read the few excerpt.

    Thanks for “sharing the circle of love…”

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  9. DelLar

    I’d love to read this book!  The little bit you shared out if it made me realize again that even as different as each of our stories are there is very much the same!

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  10. onebusymom

    I would love to win this book. I know the author and went to church with her before I was married. I also was secretary for her dad. I would love to win this – because of all that. But I would also love to read the book so I know what a person goes through who does have a miscarriage. I have had many friends experience miscarriage and so often do not know what to do or say.

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  15. down_onthefarm

    it’s been over 8 years for me. and yet still…the tears fell when i read this post. you just never forget.
    “moments” is beautiful. thanks michelle, for sharing your friends and a peek into their stories through these giveaways. 

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  18. Anonymous

    This is an excellant book. I bought one, and it was hard to read sometimes, because of our newborn little girl in Heaven, but I loved how it was so real, and made me face some things I was pushing aside. But I promptly gave the book to my sister-in-law who has lost 5 tiny babies…

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  28. ma_an_pa

    I;m probably one of those that you would stipulate since I myself have never had a miscarriage. However, a good friend of mine just recently had one and I would absolutely love to give her this book. I would maybe even read it myself, just to get a taste of what its like for those who experience miscarriages. It looks like a good read!

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  32. erlinyoder

    This looks like a book I would love to have!  It’s been 5 yrs ago for me (almost to the date). It’s hard to believe it’s been that long.  I can still remember the pain and the feeling of intense loneliness!  This would make such a great gift! Thanks for the opportunity to win it!(:

    I read your post the other day about you moving, and didn’t have time to comment then, but been thinking of you…hoping/praying you’re able to sell your house!  I’m sure ya’ll would do so wonderfully at a ministry like that!

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  33. appalolly

    Wow! Her writings are so poignant and beautiful, and I am a person who has never even experienced a miscarriage.  But I am sure that I could give the book to someone at some point. In fact, just today I learned about someone in our community who had a miscarriage.  Thanks for doing this, Michelle!

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  36. ednancyl

    Would love to read this book. Like the others the excerpts bring back memories and feelings of our little one in heaven. Heaven what a beautiful promise! Also my sister lost a baby boy this summer and I would love to give her this book. Thanks for doing give aways 🙂

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  41. th3rdtimesAcharm

    Wow!! Love those excerpts you wrote from the book. So many times I think of my babies that should be here, the ages they should be. Yes, I have 3 boys, but those holes are still felt!! The pain still comes, I still wonder the what-ifs, the whys. I would love to read this book!! If I don’t win, I just may buy one!! Thanks for sharing!!!

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  44. quiet_hearts

    Michelle, you busy and giving girl.  I’m not entering the giveaway because I’m sure there are lots of more deserving people, but I think this book sounds so beautiful and now know where to go if I need a good gift for a friend with a loss like this.  I really like your gift ideas too.  Thanks!!

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  48. fromourning2dancing

    Wow! What beautiful words… I’m sitting here wiping tears. It’s around two years that
    I had a miscarriage and a little over a year that we lost Drew. I noticed that there aren’t a lot of books written on this subject. So glad there is another one available!

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