Our Mouths With Laughter
Then our mouth was filled with laughter and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” the Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! Psalm 126:2-3,5
Liam had his scans yesterday. Everyone in the cancer groups talks about the scanxiety. Instead I walked in with supernatural peace and as we neared the hospital doors I felt underlying twinges of joy.
Expectant hope? I’m not sure how to describe it. It felt as though we were about to reveal what God has done for us and giving thanks for what I sense before tangible results.
I’m suddenly realizing that something has shifted drastically inside of me — it’s been transforming slowly for years, but not until this diagnosis has it become clear. I used to read verses of blessing and not really believe them for me. I tried so hard to believe them with my head, but after growing up in so much trauma and loss, my heart didn’t believe it.
I was afraid that God was another manipulative, mind game player who lured you in so that he could beat you from behind. I hated that I thought of him like that, but my brain was programmed for years.
This is the first time I’ve processed something as deep loss / grief that translated immediately into a faith in a God that wants to bless {his children} me.
I wish so much I could see what God sees. Both what He is doing through Liam’s diagnosis, but also on a smaller scale, is He pleased with me?