Chesed

Garnachies

By Michelle January 22, 2019 recipes 5 Comments

It’s one of our favorite meals, hands down. And honestly, I have no idea what the correct spelling is, but that’s my best guess.

We learned to eat them in South Carolina when my mom’s friend returned from Belize. At nineteen, I visited Belize myself and ordered them straight from the little carts on the city streets. Oh my word, they were so good! The real Belizean version was far less piled and didn’t have any sour cream and then they stacked a couple of them into a tinfoil and you were all set with a pile of delicious.

This is our slightly Americanized version. I mostly use black beans instead of kidney and we love sour cream on top.

Start with a fried corn tortilla. You can get the packages of pre-fried ones at the store and this turns into a super quick meal, but I’m married to a purist who volunteered to fry all the tortillas rather than stoop to those. I’m not arguing with fresh is best. And really, what can I say? I’m a bit of a purist about the beans. You can get refried beans in a can if you’re in a hurry, but I always soak and then slow cook mine before frying them with lots of coconut oil, garlic, cumin, onion, and salt. If you have one of those little Mexican grocery stores close by, they have the best corn tortillas!

Layer with:

refried beans

tomato soup with a bit of taco seasoning stirred in

shredded cheese

onion sauce (basically chopped onions and cilantro in white vinegar with a dash of salt. If you can add chopped habanero you’ll take the entire experience to five star instead of four and a half.)

sour cream

And then it’s time for a party in your mouth!

Life with a Strong-Willed Child

By Michelle January 18, 2019 Parenting 16 Comments

The other day I posted a picture of Bella throwing a fit to my instagram stories. It was 7:30 in the morning and this was the third or fourth fit she’d thrown since waking up fifteen minutes prior. After writing a few more words about life with a strong-willed child and especially to first time moms in that category, my inbox went cu-razy. So many people said,

“This is me.”

“Thank you for helping me feel normal.”

“Please send help.”

“This was us. And now she’s __ years old and that strong will is such a gift!”

I’m not a child-rearing expert and quite frankly, I shy away from writing about child training stuff period. For one thing, I’m still learning a lot. I parent differently now than I did fourteen years ago in some ways even though the gist of it is still the same. Our kids aren’t grown. (Well, Adam looks like he is!) Who’s to say what we think is helpful actually is? And you know how you tell your mom your kids won’t eat broccoli and then they go to her house and she has to make a second batch? Well, I think there’s this subtle fear that I’ll post what’s working and it will all blow up in my face! Plus, there really aren’t formulas. Kids are so unique and we bring such unique dynamics as parents. I think one of the things I see more and more the older I get is the way our strengths and broken places as parents shape how we parent our kids. But that’s a different story and this is likely to turn into an epistle already.

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Here’s what kicked off the discussion.

This girl can throw fits hundreds of times a day and still not run out of steam. So far it’s 7:30 and she’s had a screaming match because Zara was in our bed first. Several more mini fits about needing to get a barrette for her hair and about coming downstairs. Now she’s furious because Zara is still asleep.

I really thought that after Adam nothing could surprise me, but I’m telling you, this one stretches me even further than he did. We are raising strong, independent kids who will not be easily shaken. But good gracious, navigating their toddler years is enough to make you cry out for alllllllll the wisdom and patience in the world and then some.

People will often hear stories like this and say, “Oh, yes, typical two year old.” It’s not. It’s typical two year old taken to a much bigger level. I wish someone could have told me that with Adam. But I was a first time mom and when everyone said that, I assumed it was normal and there must be something wrong with me as a mom. Now I’ve had four kids and I’ve seen the difference between typical two year old and the two year old with a super intense personality.

If you’re doing this for the first time and it feels over the top and you wonder why your child doesn’t respond the same way you see other kids respond, I hope you find a safe mama friend to talk to. It’s not impossible, but it’s exhausting. So I wish it for you. Because especially as a first time mom it can make you doubt everything you once believed about yourself and about motherhood. And one day you will have a strong capable fourteen year old you can trust to hold a line and you will shake your head and marvel.

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If this is you, I still wish for you a person to talk to and to explore what’s going on. There just isn’t anything that can match that personal exploration and encouragement. But it got me thinking about some of the things I’ve learned and I thought I’d share.

What does this look like?

It’s the intensity that goes on and on and on. For both of ours, there is a year or two where it feels as though they are angry more than they are happy. Bella is in the transitional stage now where she has happy days with episodes and she still has days where she literally wakes up angry and I know it’s going to be a long day.

It doesn’t always look the same. Adam hated cuddles and resisted so much physical affection. A hug was sometimes enough to make him throw a fit if he wasn’t in the mood. But he certainly wasn’t shy and we dealt with things in public as much as in private. Bella is shy so most people have no clue about the intensity of her personality. A few people have gotten a glimpse and it’s always a little funny watching the surprise on their face. But she loves cuddles, sometimes to the point of demanding attention.

For Bella, we can get an issue resolved and she will be happy for say, fifteen minutes, and then without anything changing, you can see the memory flit across her face and she will flip a switch and be angry all over again about what happened earlier. For both of them, they would sometimes wake up angry and irritated because they didn’t get their way the night before even though the issue seemed resolved and they went to bed seemingly at rest.

They were both so strong physically! Their level of anger gives them a crazy amount of strength. I nearly lost my hold on Bella before she was even two because she was so angry about needing to get back into her carseat and flipped herself backward toward the van floor out of my hands. Someone should have told me to go to the gym before she was born!

The other thing that has been true for both of them has been that they are both intelligent and logical. Kids all develop at their own speed, but it’s interesting to notice that it’s broken down even more. Some children will be more precocious physically but the logical / mental side of things is a little slower. These are the kids that give their moms heart attacks because they are climbing / crawling / escaping / and hurtling their little bodies through the air because they are so physically capable but their logic hasn’t caught up to keep them from danger. Then there are the kids who are born thinking they are practically adults. Inside, they comprehend so much more than what they are able to communicate and they see themselves as grown up and far more capable of making decisions and carrying on the world than we perceive based on the size of their body or their actions.

On those days when it feels like life is one wave of temper tantrum after another, it helps so much to remember that as human beings, our weaknesses are our strengths taken to the extreme. This strong will is actually the gift of determination, grit, and passion. It simply hasn’t learned healthy boundaries or the skill of negotiation and being a team player. And over and over I have to remind myself of where they are developmentally. Having big emotions and a strong will is not a shameful thing and neither does having that sort of behavior get repeated over and over indicate you are a poor parent.

For both of them, communication was a huge key! Acknowledge what they want even if they can’t get their way. Otherwise they will continue to throw a fit because they simply think you don’t comprehend what it is they want. Instead of, “No, you can’t wake Zara right now,” try, “You want Zara to wake up? Yes, I know you want Zara to wake up, so she can play with you. But she is still tired so we need to let her sleep and then when she wakes up she can play with you.” It’s not a magic bullet and it doesn’t begin to always stop the fit; but not acknowledging what they are trying to communicate is a sure way to make things go a lot longer. Sometimes it’s helpful to simply say, “Maybe we can do that sometime.” Or, “That would be fun. You would really enjoy having that sometime,” instead of a flat out no. Kids need to learn that no means no, but goodness, not every single thing in every single day needs to turn into a battle. Especially not in aisle fourteen in Target. And pray they learn to talk! Once their communication skills emerge, things get a little easier to work with. Some of their intense anger is born out of the frustration of knowing exactly what they want and not having the ability to verbalize it to their parents who have no idea they’re thinking such big thoughts.

These kids want control and they want to prove they are independent. With most kids giving choices works. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work here. They will refuse all the options you gave them just because you gave them instead of them initiating. You’re simply going to have to figure out how best to navigate the minefield. Some days you will want to buy ear plugs.

It’s easy to start seeing these kids as the “tough kids” who need “tough love.” In reality, they may have extra big feelings. Sometimes that’s obvious. Sometimes it’s hidden under an “I don’t care” demeanor.

On irritable days, too much praise can flip them. Think of them as overstimulated days. It’s easy to want to really praise them when something positive happens to reinforce the positive and make up for all the negative feedback they get. Instead, on a highly volatile day, it’s better to keep it casual. Say good job or thank you and move on. They need less everything including praise and so, so, so much more calm on those days. You will learn when your child needs to be called to higher behavior, “You need to use words instead of crying so I can understand you,” and when they simply need to be held in a fuzzy blanket until the meltdown is over. You will say things like, “It’s ok to feel angry, but it’s not ok to fight mommy.”

Having said that, they desperately need positive poured into their little beings. On calm days, pump them full! One of the things I did with Bella was to often whisper, “You are so sweet” in her ear when she was calm. I would rub her back and say it over and over. Sometimes when she thought her life had fallen apart, I could bring her back from the storm by whispering, “Where is my sweet Bella?” Adam didn’t like hugs and cuddles, but he thought it was great if I played chase and then when I caught him I’d wrap him up in a quick hug and laughter and put him back down to run again. He also loved stories and by the time he was a little over a year old it was the only time he’d happily sit in my lap for a long time. Find ways to bring calm and joy into their lives so that it becomes their normal and the place they want to get back to.

Find ways to laugh with them for your sake and theirs. Often. I can’t say this enough. I distinctly remember feeling so overwhelmed and just weary through and through back when Adam was two. One day we were at my sister’s house and she took him outside with her to hang up laundry. Within minutes she and he were playing hide and seek between the sheets and he was giggling hysterically. I realized with shock that I hadn’t heard him giggle like that in a long time and it made me see the real little him inside the little boy who was bucking everything I said. If you are getting really overwhelmed, shut down life as much as you can and figure out a way to have fun. You both need it!

Some of the things we’ve found most helpful is to be super clear in our expectations and then {the hardest part and it only gets harder the more kids you have} to be oh, so consistent in holding a line. Try working on one thing at a time. If you think it’s overwhelming to keep correcting, imagine how overwhelming it is to be the child who is constantly being corrected. When things get tough, David and I will talk through together which thing we want to work on most and then focus on that one thing. Maybe it’s obeying right away. Maybe it’s not throwing a fit about being told what to do. And then deal with that one thing every time it happens. When other things happen, remind and move on. Eventually you will see progress on that one thing and you can move to the next.

The other thing that feels helpful is to look at what might be going on underneath. While it’s true that these kids respond in big ways, what is going on in life for them? Are there things going on in your life that they might perceive as stressors? Building a house? Moving? Financial stress? Difficult relationship dynamics? Sometimes eliminating their stressor looks like working through your own. With both of mine, I look back and see some significant emotional things I worked through while pregnant with them. Coincidence? I suspect not, but there is no way to prove it. Either way, it’s definitely true that when I’m stressed, they have a harder time staying calm and in control. Also, don’t miss the obvious. Are they hungry? Tired? Bored? Sometimes this is all just part of a strong, emerging sense of self and sometimes it’s a symptom of huge life changes in your family that are making them feel insecure. Those two things need such different types of responses!

Boredom gets mine quickly, especially if their brains develop more quickly than their bodies. Keeping them engaged and stretched is so, so helpful. Giving them little jobs to do that make them feel big and helpful is like the best preventative for a meltdown. Keep their minds engaged or stretched. Play guessing games in the car like, “I see something blue” or ask them “what color is the sky” based on their level. Teach them right from left or what is two plus one while you’re combing their hair and they’ll forget you are combing out tangles. Taking them outside to the park or better yet in nature where they need to navigate differences in terrain and texture is so good for not just their bodies, but for their brains and emotions. I call this parenting from ahead instead of from behind.

A few months ago, the intensity of Bella’s battle seemed focused on her emerging independence from me. She wanted to be seen as a big kid the same way she perceived the other three. Things lessened a bit and then I got pregnant and everything fell apart while I lay on the recliner lost in waves of nausea and exhaustion. Now she seems lost in a world of second born comparison to Zara. Where once she loved following Zara’s lead, she now wants equal rights …. and the same doll and the same crayon and the same stroller at the very same second. It’s not so much that my response to her disrupted behavior is changing, but being aware of what she is processing helps me think about what would be helpful when I’m parenting from ahead.

These are persistent kids who need an equally persistent parent. Forget all those “successful parents” who tell you things like, “Yeah, we had this one big episode and we did xyz and after that things went differently.” Maybe that worked for them, but please don’t set that expectation on yourself or your child. When Adam was little I clung to the phrases in Isaiah like a lifeline. “Precept upon precept. Line upon line. Here a little and there a little. Backward and forward.” Out of context, yes, but it gave me the courage I needed to just keep going.

On those days when you can’t appeal to their sense of wanting to be an adult, when you’re in town and trying to allay the oncoming wave but they’re outsmarting your reverse psychology and bribes aren’t working and even the emergency measure of a lollipop is scorned, remember those lines. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. But it will shift! Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Don’t compare your child to other kids.

Do pray a lot for wisdom. For love (yes, I said that and if you’re still here, you know why). For patience. And for ways to support yourself so you can do this well, whether you need space physically or a babysitter for a day or even overnight or just a place to talk about all the big emotions you’re feeling from absorbing the tsunami day after day after day. Sometimes I think that place to talk is the most important part of it all. It’s so easy to lose perspective when you are doing this 24/7 and sometimes you just need to talk about it and hear someone encourage you. I remember talking to my friend, Ruth, about Adam when he was little and there was some masked fear in my words that we really were up against something huge and insurmountable. Her words never left me. “Maybe he has an extra strong sense of God giving man dominion over the earth.” Her words helped me to see his intensity as a God-given strength instead of something to fear.

PS: Listen to your child play. Just observe sometime instead of playing with them, especially if they don’t know you are watching and listening. You will learn so much about what they are feeling inside. I’ve only settled about a dozen things with Bella while writing this, but I’ve also overheard her talking to her lollaloopsie doll. “You want to doe wif Mommy. You sad? When you mad you tan doe wif Mommy. You need be sweet.” And a dozen more sentences. The last two days could make me think she’s not gotten a thing, but when I listen I hear her verbalizing to herself the concepts she is learning. She knows she is safe, loved, and exactly what the role is she’s trying to grow into. And the very same thing that makes her hang onto her own way of doing life now will one day make her push toward big life goals in spite of resistance.

Thirty-two Weeks

By Michelle January 16, 2019 baby 2 Comments

It’s funny how it feels as though I’ve been in this pregnancy forever plus about twenty-seven days and simultaneously it feels as though it’s flying. Ninety percent of the time I can’t even remember what it feels like not to be pregnant. Did I ever actually bend over without grunting? Did I ever roll over in bed without waking up and heaving myself around manually? Did I ever go through a day not trying to decide whether to wear compression hose for the varicose vein pain or deal with the pain to minimize the itching?

But time started flying at the speed of light in the last few days and I’m realizing there is no way I’m ever going to knock off a pre-baby list. I move like a sloth and every day I think, Oh, I could do this extra project and instead we spend the whole day doing school and normal life. Nothing makes time fly faster than thinking about projects and realizing you’re not going to get them done. But it’s ok. My priority is getting as much school done as possible before we start life with a newborn again. I’d like to think that this time maybe we’d have one of those babies who occasionally live horizontally for a few minutes without crying, but knowing our track record I’m not banking on it.

This pregnancy has been like one long opportunity to learn trust. For three main reasons I chose a midwife instead of going back to the obstetrician who delivered the boys. Well, three main reasons and maybe the fact that I kind of sank into a deep, dark hole of overwhelm for awhile and didn’t care what happened to me. I saw an independent ultrasound tech who noted a growth in my uterus at my eight week visit. It niggled and niggled at the back of my mind, but I mostly tried to let it go. At my twenty two week ultrasound the radiology report showed a size discrepancy on baby’s kidneys but no one could really tell me if it was just a common abnormal normality or if he would need a little surgery to help with urinary reflux afterward.

On Christmas Eve I went downstairs to play ping pong with the boys. It was probably my favorite moment of the day. They couldn’t wait to show me their skills and I just grinned inside at the look on Adam’s face and Liam’s muttered, “whoa, she’s actually not bad.” The longer I played, the harder the old, competitive me surfaced. I was having way too much fun and winning games more than not. Poor Bella was so terrified of her fierce mama she started crying. Suddenly I remembered why I sit and watch games when I have little kids! After eight games and Bella crying I resorted to being the cool toddler mom and went upstairs. But oh my word, my uterus was so unhappy with me that evening I ended up on the recliner with my feet higher than my head instead of finishing our own little Christmas dinner. My midwife sent my chart and said if things didn’t stop I had to head to the ER. I’ve never, ever, ever been so grateful to spend Christmas Day with my family. Now I just feel like I know how to start labor when it’s time, but when I told Adam he said, “Nah, I don’t really like getting beat by you.”

A week later, the itching that had been driving me crazy went into overdrive. I’m talking, can’t sleep for hours feel like you’re going to scratch until you bleed kind of itching. It was horrible, especially the hours that felt like needles. Imagine getting a bee sting in your thigh and then your arm and then your thigh again and then on your head on and on and and every time it stings you jerk like crazy because it’s so sudden and hard and nothing, literally nothing, stops it. After a particularly bad night where I couldn’t sleep until after 1:00 because the itching was over the top I called in and they ran labs for cholestasis. Bloodwork came back fine but I was measuring at least three weeks big. I’ve never had big babies and while I gain plenty of weight and size, my fundal height never measures ahead of schedule. Let’s just say I had a small moment of meltdown on the table and asked for a more definitive ultrasound with the OB I used to see. All I could think was what if the cyst was actually out of control cancer and I was going to leave David and four or five kids. Anyone else worry way more when you’re pregnant?

Apparently God either healed things or I had a completely inept sonographer before because no growth (he said it was actually likely a contraction that stayed for fifteen minutes … who knew there was such a thing) and baby’s kidneys are perfectly normal. What wasn’t normal was the level of amniotic fluid. Apparently polyhydramnios gets rated by points for mild, moderate, and severe. Mine was in the mild range which is likely idiopathic …. by all of 1/2 point. Thankfully his heart and lungs look great on ultrasound so that ruled out a couple of reasons. They’re repeating in a few weeks to see what the levels are. Higher levels could indicate a possible swallowing issue (tracheal esophageal fistula being the most common) or it could just be a fluke. What concerns me most is the increased risk of birth complications. Google is not always your best friend. The best part of the deal was getting another peak at his sweet little face! He looks just like our other babies!

I’m trying hard to listen quietly. To trust. But even more to discern. There are so many unknowns in life and sometimes we simply need to walk forward one step at a time knowing that we can never guarantee positive outcomes. But walking forward in faith is a lot easier when we feel confident that we have heard God well. So I’m praying for a really clear answer about where he should make his arrival.

Be safe, little boy.

Life with Older Kids and Funny Quips Around Our House

By Michelle January 13, 2019 Adam, Liam, life, Parenting 11 Comments

Our family is in such a different season than we were just a few short years ago. We’re now popping out babies like most people do in their twenties. But it’s not just that we’re forty instead of twenty five, we’ve also got big kids in the house. And by big, I mean BIG. For real. Who knew that boys barely hit their teens before they’re taller than their mom and their feet are time and a half as big?

I hardly know where I fit in with other moms. When I hang out with the moms who have kids my girls’ ages, they tend to be a decade plus younger than me and they haven’t even remotely thought of the fact that one of these days they’re going to wake up and find themselves buying shaving cream for their KID. Yet this year, an enormous amount of mom friends my age posted facebook statuses in August lamenting the fact that their baby went off to first grade. My Braxton Hicks consumed self can’t even imagine.

We’re just over here running one stretched out life and most of the time it’s crazy and beautiful simultaneously.

(I keep saying it feels as though I’ve lost my brain, and sure enough one day it showed up in the frig!)

As a young mom, it felt as though so many people talked about “those teenage years” as though they were a thing to be dreaded. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t, and oh my goodness, I feel as though I finally hit my sweet spot in motherhood. It’s sooooo much fun having older kids! The little ones are adorable and sweet and precious (except for the temper tantrums and even then, sometimes they’re funny), but there’s something about older kids that leaves my insides going, yes, this comes naturally.

They are capable, intelligent, ambitious, and fun! I think what surprised me most was how much they make me laugh! Both boys are witty and punny, and Adam can pull out some sarcasm among the typical “boy humor” that goes with the territory. The other night I was standing in the kitchen breathing through a harder than normal contraction. Liam glanced up from where he was picking cilantro leaves off the stems and took it all in when he saw my pursed lips. “Don’t worry, Mom, I can’t whistle either.” Ten minutes later I was swaying at the kitchen counter and moaning (man, those things get earlier and earlier and more and more annoying the more babies you have. David says I have eternal labors. They go on for fifteen weeks.) next to Adam who was washing lettuce. “Making up a new song?” he said dryly. And then he put squeezing contractions lyrics to a simple ditty. For real. I laughed so hard at both of them, but thank goodness, they aren’t my labor coaches!

They have picked up so much slack around here during this pregnancy it’s unbelievable. Sometimes I hate that I am so incapable and they have to do so much; especially because it’s not the line of work they’d choose. But most of the time, I am in awe at the way they are naturally learning so many incredible life skills. Adam cooks breakfast 98% of the time and is getting better at foods for dinner all the time. Liam is an absolute pro with the girls when it comes to getting them to eat their food (seeeeeeeerrrrrrrriously, how do people birth kids who sit down at the table and eat their food at mealtime? Haven’t had one of those since Adam.) or playing with them until they’re nearly oozing happiness. And both of them can help knock out some cleaning and laundry like nobody’s business. Even aside from the fact that they should probably earn a school credit in home ec and pregnancy knowledge, they’re learning so many general life skills. How to play with kids who are much younger. How to pull your weight in a group and work for the general good of the group instead of only for your own needs. How to work hard and with a good attitude even when it’s not a job you like doing. What it’s really like to grow a baby. They are so respectful and kind of my limitations and sometimes I flash forward far ahead to the day thirty-seven blinks from now when they might get to become dads themselves and how much they will already know and understand.

The girls adore them. Zara has Adam somewhere on hero status and the other day when he went out for lunch you would have thought he’d been gone for two months when he walked back in the door. Last Saturday I looked out the window at Liam holding Bella’s hand as they walked down the driveway. Her little pink boots flashed next to his big shoes and my eyes fogged over. She is so feisty and independent that holding his hand could only mean one thing. She felt so loved and needed by him.

Having big kids in the house means teaching them how to shave and buying so many groceries you literally cannot even fathom. It means conversations about jobs and driving and insurance and facing your fears. It means music lessons and baseball and learning how big your body is and how it can break a rocking chair when you hit it with your foot as you jump over it. It means watching them earn money and save it for years. Finally the day comes when they have enough cash and you listen and watch as they research options online, talk to other people for advice, and then make a well thought through decision and watch their dreams come true. I was so proud of them I almost cried. They’re learning about investment, about how to pursue their dreams, and about the importance of community.

Don’t rush the sweetness of those let them be little days. But, oh sweet mama, don’t dread the grown up days.

And Baby Makes Five

By Michelle August 31, 2018 Uncategorized 4 Comments

You crept into my uterus and snuggled yourself deeply into the walls of what would be your home for a watery, nine months. I’m so curious about you — the child God wanted us to know and love. Your daddy’s praying that you would be a world changer. Already you’ve changed our world. You’ve convinced us that we can stay young a little longer. That the capacity of our hearts is even bigger than we imagined. Hello, baby number five.

Almond Flour Pancakes

By Michelle March 20, 2018 dairy free, gluten free, recipes 2 Comments

One of the more frequent questions I get asked is, “How do I figure out if I (my child) has a dietary intolerance?” And ranking like its siamese twin is this one, “But what do I eat?”

I’ve just come through nineteen months of being dairy free for my sweet Bella and honestly, it felt like a challenge all over again when I started. If you’re new to this, I hope you hear me cheering for you. The biggest part of the challenge is the mental part. It’s completely overwhelming to suddenly THINK about every protein in every bite you dare get close to your mouth. Stop, don’t lick the cool whip off the lid. Stop, don’t lick the beaters. Stop, don’t lick your fingers. Stop, did you check that probiotic label? Stop, did you double check that brand of italian dressing? Dairy is everywhere.

You would think I’d have remained a pro after Liam’s years of avoiding umpteen foods. But you forget which things are specific to what and I felt as though I was learning all over again. Bella is still dairy free. And cashew free. And mango free. And strawberry free. And limited soy, walnut, almond, and coconut.

If you are dairy free, but not having trouble with nuts, here’s my number one tip. Cashew milk is AMAZING. Like flat out amazing! You can substitute coconut oil for butter and cashew milk for regular milk in almost any baked recipe and hardly know the difference. If you’re making smoothies or eating cereal, cashew milk is creamy and delicious. Unfortunately, even indirect cashew milk exposure made Bella projectile vomit. I figured this out the hard way after multiple episodes.

Ever since Liam was gluten free, we’ve loved almond flour and especially almond flour pancakes. They’re hands down the best pancakes I’ve ever eaten. Maybe partially because I know they are as packed with protein and health as they are light and fluffy. I originally got the recipe from elanaspantry.com which is a treasure-trove of gluten free resources. She has since tweaked the recipe and doesn’t list this one or I’d link it. The other day I decided to make them dairy free and gave them to Bella. She was thrilled to have her first pancake ever.

Unfortunately by evening my suspicions about how well she was handling almond were confirmed and we won’t be trying that again. But because so many people ask for food tips, I’m going to try to incorporate more recipes here as a resource. And whether or not you are dairy free, these are worth adding to your Saturday morning! There’s also a sugar free version in this cookbook.

Almond Flour Pancakes

3 cups almond flour

1/2 cup heavy whipping cream (or milk substitute of choice)

8 eggs

1/4 cup honey

1/2 cup butter, melted (or coconut oil)

1 tablespoon vanilla

1 teaspoon baking soda

pinch of sea salt

Mix all the ingredients well. I find these are easiest to make when I use an electric griddle as compared to doing them on the stovetop. Lightly spray with non stick cooking spray and then drop by 1/4 cupful. They’re absolutely amazing!

We love them with butter and maple syrup, or peanut butter, strawberries, and maple syrup, or literally roll them up and eat them plain. Sometimes I spread a teeny bit of cream cheese on them and add strawberries to mimic a crepe.

The other thing I love about them is that you can freeze them individually, then layer them and freeze. Let them thaw for a bit or if you’re like me and you’re in a hurry, defrost in the microwave for about 30 seconds before popping them in the toaster. They’re almost as good as when they first left the pan!

Mix. Fry. Repeat. Watch kids (and grownups) smile.

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I Can’t Say It

By Michelle March 1, 2018 life 5 Comments

It’s the trendy thing to say and I’m not saying it.

“Stop! Don’t grow up so fast.”

“Don’t grow up, little one.”

“Just stay little.”

“I can’t stand it. My baby is growing up!”

The currently in-the-little-kids-stage Mom version of the Mom with big kids who says forlornly, almost guilt producingly, “You’re going to miss these days. These are the best days of your life.”

It’s sweet, right? Mamas so enamored with their little ones they can’t bear to have the minutes of spit up and yellow blow outs come to an end.

But it’s not just the smell of yet another allergy poop diaper that’s making me feel snarky.

It’s a given that while I am prone to dramatics and over exaggeration (see what I did there?), I’m also brutally honest. I have moments when I think I can’t breathe because I love it so much. The smell of Bella’s head when she comes in from the swing and the scent of her sweet little self mixes with fresh air against my chin. The moments when I watch Zara twirling in her room because she loves her skirt and she looks at me and asks, “Why do people always smile at me?” I feel Liam pressed up against me on the couch as we wade through perimeters and quadrilaterals and practice mental Math and I know it won’t always be like this. Not even for much longer. Because I also watch his older brother. I have to look up at Adam now. We discuss things on adult levels and sometimes he’s the one initiating the hard questions instead of me. He takes the heavy load and I watch him in near disbelief when I get frustrated with something and he gently says, “here, Mom, let me do it. See, like this.”

If Bella would listen to me say that and stop growing up, I’d never get to watch her jump the bottom two steps of the stairway like Zara does. If Zara stopped, I’d never watch her face as I explain root words and the magic of comprehension wash over her like it did for Liam with “bio-” and “-ology” and the way we get zoology, geology, theology, and microbiology. Or the way he nearly bounced off the couch as it all sank in and he exclaimed as though I’d given him the world, “You are the best teacher! I’m getting smarter every day!” If Liam stopped I’d never get to look up to see his chocolate eyes or watch him take over the entire laundry day because he saw that I wasn’t going to get to it.

Sure three year old stinky feet are kind of cute and there isn’t one thing cute about baseball cleats coming off in the van (more like an instant exit strategy). There’s an indescribable preciousness about little people that I am going to miss so much when the tiny bubble blowers have all grown up. But, I absolutely love these days with nine and thirteen year old boys and I would have missed out on so much if they’d just stayed little. I refuse to believe this is the last time I’m going to have fun with them. Somehow, I think it’s just going to keep getting better.

I love these days. Sometimes I want to run away from these days. And that’s why I can’t say it. There are moments when I can hardly comprehend the magnitude of the miracle in my house that is so full of small and not so small humans. And there are days when I’m pretty sure I’ve laid down all of me there is to lay down and it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. Days when I’m selfishly tired of always laying down me.

These are the best days of my life. But you know what? I’ve had a love relationship with every stage in life so far and something tells me I’m not going to lose all the love when my babies grow up.

And probably if I’m honest, there’s a bit of knowledge tinged with grief mixed in with the way I can’t say those words. Because two of my babies didn’t make it past the first few weeks of gestation. They stopped growing up. They just stayed little. Friends of mine have a child with a handicap. He stopped growing up in the way we think of growing up. So the next time I hear it, I will hear your adoration for whatever stage you are in. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here kissing the last times goodbye because we have loved well and wildly cheering for the new stage about to begin.

Don’t. Even. Panic.

By Michelle February 25, 2018 Zara 3 Comments

I kissed a three year old goodnight and the next morning I discovered a four year old in her bed.

Three is, hands down, my favorite age in children so far and four is nearly as perfect. I love the delightful mix of independence and cuddly little person. The longer attention span and ability to reason and be reasoned with coupled with innocence and wide eyed wonder at the world. It’s my favorite age for the funniest quips and quotes and Zara has been spilling them all over the place.

She lives for Sunday so she can play with her friends, but especially so she can go to Sunday School. I didn’t hear much about Sunday School for the first six months; but more recently I’ve been hearing snippets of stories, always told with great drama and sometimes motions. In the last few weeks, she’s been repeating the rules for Sunday School over and over.

“Mom (I’m always Mom instead of Mommy when it comes to these), what are the rules for Sunday School?”

Me – “I don’t know, what are they?”

Zara – “Obey right away with a happy heart. Always be kind. When the teacher is talking, shhhhhhhhhh.”

But the most repeated conversation is this one.

“Why did God make us?”

Me – “I guess because He wanted to.”

Zara’s eyes got big and her voice slow and deliberate, “No, for his OWN GLORY.”

Two minutes later, “Mom, why did God make us.”

Assuming she wanted more information I said something else.

Zara – “NO! FOR HIS OWN GLORY. Why can you just not remember? For his own glory. For his own glory. Now do you think you can remember?”

She still asks occasionally and I love to “forget” the “own” part of the answer just to see her intensity as she corrects my faulty theology.

************

She loves her water ice cold and it always needs lots of ice. You would think she was born in the deep south instead of in Maryland although it’s possible it’s learned behavior from her southern born mama. So if she asks you for eleven inch cold water you’ll know what’s going on. She’s also pretty set on having a certain cup. For awhile the boys were “claiming” David and my Yeti every morning. It was fine until Zara caught on and suddenly there were three kids and two Yetis. The instant she heard either of them say, “I call silver,” she’d yell, “I call black muggy.”

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She’s been with us for four years and some days I STILL have a culture shock with the girliness that is now part of our life. When you’ve been a boy mom for ten years you start to think in boy mode. Sometimes it’s all the pink and ruffles and twirly skirts and glittery shoes. Sometimes it’s the conversation. Like these:

There were a pile of three ladybugs in the corner of the bay window.

Zara – “Oh, there’s a family of ladybugs.”

Bella walks out with two horses and pretends to eat them. Zara was horrified! “No, Bella. They’re lovely. They’re really, really lovely.”

Zara – “Mom, there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I fink I had too much sugar at Grammie’s house.”

Me – “How is that making you feel?”

Zara – “Like I need to cuddle with Mommy.”

She deserves a masters in emotional manipulation; but even I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until the other day on the way home from town when she was whining.

Adam – “Zara, stop fussing. Fussing doesn’t get you anything anyway.”

Zara – “Yes, it does.”

Me – OOPS!

*****

Me – “You are getting so big!”

Zara – “Yes, soon I’ll be an uncle and then maybe Bella will be my twin.”

***

Some days her lips get wharfed (chapped) and when it’s cold she gets fist bumps. She likes the dizzy (striped) hairbands and when it’s hot (which is pretty much all the time in her opinion) she kicks off the covers because “my legs need fresh air.” One day she looked at the potatoes and carrots on her plate (she hates white potatoes) and then told me, “This food is too dangerous.”

When I made black raspberry mint infused water she was so thrilled. “Mmmmm, this water is so pretty and then it will go in my tummy and make it smell sooooo good.”

After a sneeze surprised her while she was coloring she looked up at me and said, “Oh, no! I blessed my paper!”

Of course, so many things are pretty!

“Oh, Mom, you look so pretty and so cute but not very pretty.” And a few days later, “Mom, you look pretty.” “Thank you, Zara,” I said, “you look pretty, too.” Zara – “No, I’m not pretty. I’m handsome in my pajamas.”

She squeals when she sees a smart car, “Mom, that car is just my size!” or “Mom, that car is too little for me. Maybe Bella could drive it.” She squeals equally about Jeeps. I have no idea where that obsession came from, but it seems to be the vehicle of choice and it’s like finding a packet of lollipops to spot one while we’re driving.

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Early one Sunday morning Liam and Zara crawled into bed with me.

Zara to Liam: “Let’s talk about birds.”

Liam: “Birds?”

Zara: “Yes, beautiful birds.”

Liam: “Ok, Zara, what is your favorite bird?”

Zara: “Hawks”

Liam: “What kind of hawks? Red tailed hawks?”

Zara: “No, cardinals.”

Liam: suddenly taken by a cough — “I think I’m starting with a cold

Zara: “Shall I pray for you?”

Liam: “Sure”

Zara looks at me: “Can you help me?”

Goodness, just melt me into a puddle.

*******

Some of my best conversations with the boys happen in the car and the same thing happens if Zara and I go somewhere alone or with just the girls.

Zara: “How can God hear us talking when we aren’t praying? Does He have a stethoscope?

But how will we go to heaven?

But then I couldn’t play with Jackie.

But what if Jackie would die? Then I would have no friends.” Completely dejected she finished slowly with, “Evan and Elliot would be there but I would have no friends.”

*******

Half the time it’s not so much what she says as the way she says it with so much drama. The morning of her birthday she sat on the counter to watch while I decorated her cake.

“Will every single birthday be February 19?”

Yes.

Her eyes got huge and with implied exclamation marks and poignant pauses between each word she said,

“DON’T. EVEN. PANIC.”

And then in a hushed whisper. “So many nineteens.”

I can’t wait to live another year with her!

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Field Trips

By Michelle January 15, 2018 homeschool 2 Comments

I don’t know if they’re even called field trips when you’re homeschooling or if they’re called family outings or excursions. Whatever the name, this year I was determined to make a few more things happen during our school year. I was determined all the other years, too, but the daunting drives always outweighed my determination.

Last year we did a few things, most notably the Air and Space Museum in Chantilly and the Frontier Culture Museum (twice!). The sheep shearing day in March is awesome if you are thinking of going!

I was hoping to do something once a month and had a running wish list, but no concrete plan. The other day when I found my list again, I realized we’d actually done pretty well!

In August we spent the afternoon at a swimming pool with friends all excited about seeing the eclipse! It was the perfect spot because all the concrete made the dancing crescents easy to see!

But our favorite spot to watch them was the black cover on top of the hot tub!

We visited Swananoa in September. I remember rambling across the grounds as a teenager ….. back when there weren’t “No Trespassing” signs with dire consequences listed posted everywhere! The details of the place beg for fifty-five exclamation marks after every sentence. The marble!!! The stained glass window!!! The VIEW!!! We thought we were done and then we wandered back through what used to be the gardens and found the old tower. I stood there imagining dinner parties back in the day. Just incredible! We spoke briefly with the current owner who actually spent some time living there before deciding she preferred being warm in the winter. 😉 It really would be a cold, cold house to live in; but oh, how I wish someone would restore and modernize it so it could be used today. It’s just so gorgeous!

October found us at one of my favorite spots! Carters Mountain Orchard. This place holds priceless memories for me because it was our first outing with Liam years ago after I quarantined him for six weeks trying to get his little immune system strong enough to handle life. We don’t do a lot of whole family outings and to do one at the end of such a long stint of staying home from everything was a huge celebration and milestone! I’d been back with the boys one other time, but it was years ago. At the last minute, David decided to quit work two hours early and go with us. It was just as much fun as I’d remembered! Apples taste exponentially better when you pick them off the tree seconds before eating them! The apple cider slushies are as phenomenal as I remembered and the apple cider donuts? Well, who wouldn’t love those? We stayed to watch the sun head toward the horizon as hot air balloons and airplanes floated across the sky. The next day the boys were still talking about it.

“You know what was the best part of yesterday? When Dad said we couldn’t and we DID!” (Referring to getting the apples they wanted from the tops of the trees. You aren’t allowed to climb the trees, but boys are pretty good at improvising.) 😉

“Oh, that was so awesome!”

I’ve wanted to go to Luray Caverns ever since we’re back in Virginia, but the admission price is a bit daunting. The week of Thanksgiving my parents offered to pay for all of us to tour the caverns. Wow, wow, wow!!!! Their website does nothing to prepare you for the sheer magnitude of the place! I did a quick review online on trip advisor in the morning before we headed out and got an idea when someone mentioned walking almost a mile. Even then I was blown away! It’s unbelievable the vastness of the rooms and the intricacies and variety of formations.

{Don’t they look like bath towels?!}

December was filled with Christmas activities and a fun little outing to a gingerbread house competition with my friend, Rachel.

And now, I still have more places on my wish list than months left in the school year so we’ll see what happens!

Whether you are a homeschooling mama or not, I’m always up for great recommendations of places to visit! Where do you like to go?

Pride goes before a soggy middle

By Michelle November 21, 2017 life 16 Comments

Something about fall makes me want to pull out allllllllllll the recipes for baked things. Starting in early September I get hit by the apple and pear craze. November means all things pumpkin and we’re about to hit December which means CRANBERRIES.

I think it goes without saying by now that the kitchen is not exactly my forte. Well, even I was surprised when my pumpkin cheesecake developed cracks the size of the Grand Canyon. For real. I was planning to take it to carry in at church the next day. I didn’t feel like making more food so the next morning I whipped up some heavy whipping cream, added a little cream cheese to stabilize it, and just before lunch I coated that baby so well you couldn’t see a thing …. until people started cutting it.

I wasn’t about to try again for a long time. Then my friend who is the queen of cheesecakes told me to bake it low and slow. So I did. I followed directions to a t. Beating when I was supposed to beat and barely folding in the eggs at the end. I slid that baby into the oven with more care than I handled my newborns and gently eased the door shut. 225. Two hours. Turn off the oven. Don’t crack the oven until an hour later.

When I obediently opened the door as the timer beeped, I’m pretty sure my pride added an inch to my head. You just got your doctorate? I baked a perfect cheesecake!

I garnished it with sheer joy, took pictures of it, and happily took it along to David’s parents’ house that night for dinner.

You can see just how well that worked out. {Insert all the rolls eyes emoticons} 😀

Another friend said the low and slow never works for her. Bake at 400 works for her sister. Water bath works for her. Low and slow works for another sister. So what’s YOUR secret???? I feel like these cheesecakes are holding out on me!