Sunday May 1, 2011
To write or not to write.
To blog or not to blog.
There are parts of me that are alive and thriving and parts of me that want to shut down. I didn’t realize my own poorly disguised and fairly helpful coping mechanism until I read Audrey’s post and recognized myself in Ann Voscamp’s words. “And maybe it is the hurt that drives us on … Hurry always empties the soul.”
Part of the hurry and busy has come by default, not by my choice. But in the rest I see a restless need for the high and happiness of accomplishment and purpose. The lack of courage to sit down and simply be quiet because of what lurks in its shadows.
Aside from the 5,097 things going on, I find myself clamming up and just not wanting to be vulnerable. 98 and 3/4 % of the time (as Dr. Seuss would say), I love this place. I love the interaction, the new friends I meet here and in real life, the inspiration because of bloggers who inspire me to live intentionally. And then a random thing leaves me feeling like a fly swimming in milk. Do you ever do that? Fight the urge to shut down or go undercover with an identity known only to a few?
As though that weren’t enough to put me on break, a half dozen discussions war in my head because there is no chance to discuss them.
How can I, the oldest of three girls, parent boys well?
What does graciousness and femininity look like in a woman not born with that personality? Are women who are naturally quiet, also inherently meek?
Are all married with children thirty year olds chronically exhausted?
Is being balanced over-rated?
I attended a women’s seminar about meeting people’s needs in April that left me with more questions than answers. Why is it that everyone seems to feel so needy? Are we so sheltered that we have lost our perspective about what real hurt is? Why is it that moms with small children say, “I can’t do anything / reach out to anyone because I have my children. I don’t want to miss them.” Yet we send women with small children to foreign countries with few conveniences and no close family support system and expect them to be missionaries. Is it a sign that something is wrong with our lifestyle when missionaries come home and have a terrible time re-entering because they feel their life has no real purpose? Are we over-glorifying being a homemaker in order to cover up our own longing and lack of purpose?
What is ethically and scripturally correct in USA vs Timothy Miller? I am pretty sure I don’t come out on the same side as the majority.
How can there be so much beauty and so much devastation in life all at the same time? How is it that I can feel so jealous and deprived one minute and so blessed and grateful the next? How is it that I experience warm sunshine and an hour in a fragrant greenhouse slowly inhaling the scent of living things, choosing textures and colors of beauty to plant when half a nation away another woman slowly walks through the devastation and death and destruction of a tornado, looking for memories? How is it that I look out the window to smile at our boys laughing and running through acres of green grass and the same day my sister tells me about the two year old who grew silently frantic at the sight of her camera because in her mind big, pointed black objects equal guns?
What is this growing stirring within David and I and what does it represent? In David’s words, “I feel like God is preparing us for something ….. I just don’t know what it is.” My thoughts exactly.
If I’d see a falling star, I’d wish for a few friends to come over to join me for a stretching discussion. Somehow it feels as though it would clear my brain. And probably unleash a dozen blog posts.
You are wondering so many awesome things… It would be so neat to discuss some of those with you. I am lonely to have discussions with women who think as deeply as you do. I have a really hard time finding anything “deep” in my current social world, and yet sometimes it’s a break from growing up in a culture where everyone took themselves and every small happening far too seriously. Being balanced is really a very personal thing. It’s going to look different for everyone. And when it comes to being passionate about God and the whisperings, stirrings, callings in your heart, I think you have to follow it and abandon yourself and your own expectations. I am trembling, afraid to do that right now. I have so much in me that feels like it could go into blog posts, but i shy away. I didn’t see that post of Audrey, (how does she keep up with blogging like she does? it’s awesome) but it really spoke to me also. Thanks for blogging.
p.s. “quiet” people are not just naturally meek, but meekness probably isn’t their greatest area of struggle. I used to be super quiet and shy but I’ve gotten kind of loud. I have wondered if this is a good change or a bad? Sometimes you want a different struggle, but when change comes and your struggles change, you kind of wish for the old struggles because they were so familiar to you.
michelle the questions you have blogged make me want to come to that wished-for discussion gathering. You’ve got my brain in a whirl.
I can relate to much of this post…especially the stirring and longing and all that. No, quietness does not produce meekness, but quiet people can sure fake it a lot better than I can! I have about 10 blog posts swarming in my head too, but fear of man, fear of not portraying my thoughts correctly, the whole nine yards, keeps me from tackling it. And really, if I don’t want it on the world wide web, I better just leave it, right? 😉
I often wonder at God’s faithfulness and goodness to me, when I am such a fair weather friend, and when others near and far are carrying burdens I’m not sure I would be able to bear. All of the questions, discomfort, revelations, sorrow, joy, grief… it all the process of God softening and bending our hearts to His will and work. Thank you for opening up, being vulnerable, and letting us peek into the work He is doing in your heart.
that question about meek women has haunted me for years (if i stop and allow myself to think about it 🙂 ). my natural personality is FAR from what we have often been taught. i don’t want to make excuses and so on just so I don’t have to work on changing…..BUT, i can’t imagine why God would make me who he did IF he wants me totally different. Does that make any sense at all? I even had a very close (loud) friend tell me recently that she is thinking maybe we are to be meek, quiet and whatever. my mouth about dropped open….. I “get” being gentle and not letting my mouth run away etc…. i get in trouble when that happens, but when i totally change myself into a silent, sweet, quiet, whatever lady… my whole self feels so stifled and boxed up i can’t even praise my Creator? ok, sounds like i have as many questions as you do??? 🙂 🙂
I had a long reply typed out and poof…maybe I wasn’t supposed to write ut…
” are we overglorifying motherhood to cover up our own longings and lack of purpose?” This question has been a struggle between my heart and head.
Meekness…sigh…sometimes I wish I could have a sit down and hash these things out without feeling “less than” because of my nontypical thoughts and position..
Love your desires and heart girl….keep talking to us 🙂
I can really relate to this….. So many soul searching questions…..jeff and I have been doing a lot of talking lately….just wish we could come up with more answers! It just seems like before we come up with answers our life will be over and ….all that searching for what….anyways! So thankful for the grace of God….
love you girl!
I can really relate to this….. So many soul searching questions…..jeff and I have been doing a lot of talking lately….just wish we could come up with more answers! It just seems like before we come up with answers our life will be over and ….all that searching for what….anyways! So thankful for the grace of God….
love you girl!
boy don’t i wish for that falling star! i feel this need to aim my little dorky van in your direction. just saying. because i totally want in on that stretching discussion.
reading this makes me miss you…more.
@qawzse789 – Please, please try again. 🙂 I am worse than the worst curiosity killed the cat story. 🙂
@mylittlepinkhouse – I know what you mean, but sometimes I wonder if part of the good comes from searching, not from finding the answers. Does that make sense?
@down_onthefarm – You know, you’d probably be here before the sun comes up. I better clean up the sewing projects in my guest bedroom. 🙂
Oh Michelle, I would love to get together and talk! I need someone (that doesn’t actually know many of the same people I do) to have some lengthly, deep discussions with. I would love to discuss many of these very topics.
You asked- (What is this growing stirring within David and I and what does it represent? In David’s words, “I feel like God is preparing us for something ….. I just don’t know what it is.”) That is exactly where we are right now. We’ve both had this feeling for awhile. You know a little bit about what we’re thinking about, but we are coming up with more questions than answers. It’s exciting- frustrating-terrifying-and so much more.
What does graciousness and femininity look like in a woman not born with that personality? Are women who are naturally quiet, also inherently meek?
I could have written that. Sometimes I feel so boistrous and unladylike when I only want to be gracious and feminine. 🙁 Then I wonder if a person should try to change personality… Oh, I don’t think i want to go there tonight.
What is ethically and scripturally correct in USA vs Timothy Miller? I am pretty sure I don’t come out on the same side as the majority.
Hmm, you need to write! I have some questions about that too.
At least your mind is working clearly enough to come up with questions. Mine has been in such a fog for months, that I don’t even have a desire to blog.
why am i so dang responsible? 😉 i went to bed last night like i am supposed to and now today i am tackling a most formidable mt everest of laundry piles ( i think a few sherpa guides would be nice) and planning meals and caring for children…when! i could be at your house! 🙂 indulging in my need for deep discussion!
Thinking about Jenni’s thought about life being over and then all the searching for what? I’ve thought about that too. The ones who have gone on had so much to tell us but for some reason we neglected to ask. When they die all their knowledge dies with them.
It’s important to me, to write things down as they happen. Makes a good history book later. None of us have answers. We just hang on and trust that God will work all things out for His glory. God bless your week.
i liked your response to jennie z ^^^ there IS something to be learned in His “answerless” presence. aaaaand…i have twisted meek and quiet into being very much the same thing. why is that? because they are mentioned in the same verse? (so i feel naughty and bad) But! what i see as being applauded as such looks so spiritless. no thanks. 🙂 i have also seen quiet manipulation… and loudly submissive!!! ooops. another word that seems to get abused when convenient. submission. i can tell you what LOOKS better. but what IS better? or more importantly…right? really. wish. this was an irl conversation. 🙂
not trying to clutter your comments. sorry. just working with interruptions and clicking submit as i go.
@down_onthefarm – Ha, you couldn’t clutter my comments box if you tried. Clutter is things you don’t want to see. 🙂 And I really wish this conversation were IRL also.
USA vs. Timothy Miller (or is it Vermont vs. Timothy Miller??)–I’d love to include you in on the rousing discussions that have been taking place at our house. My take on it is pretty much the same as the Joy Coates’ thing. I don’t know that she made the right decisions when it came to fleeing the country and I don’t think I would do the same, but she acted according to what she felt was best at the time and I think God had a purpose in it. The biggest question I have is why the child did not have an independent child advocate in the first place in this case. If the child was traumatized by being with the Jenkins lady as the Catholic article I read said, wouldn’t a good social worker have been able to pick up on that? But I think I don’t know all the details, and I believe that the people involved did what they felt was the right thing to do in the situation, and hope that God can use all that.
Whew, Sister Michelle………you make my mind spin in a thousand directions….this would be a very LOUD discussion! And how many days do you propose to get thru the topic list ;)? Happy Monday to you……..maybe some of your questions will be answered this week, but if they aren’t…..join the club ;). Our God is GOOD, and He loves us, other than that……alot of things don’t make sense, and even sometimes you have to hang on to those two truths by FAITH alone!
@down_onthefarm – Wow girlfriend…..I want to be irl with this one too……quiet manipulation….so submissive……BARF….I’ve seen it too…..and I’m thinkin’ I’ll take a REAL woman, honest to the core with real feelings and emotions before that quiet woman who really runs the show. Oh, man you can tell I’ve got issues here ;). There is for real a right and wrong way to be a woman in the right place.
So…I had to go and look up the Timothy Miller case to see what I thought. And now I would love to hear a discussion including your thoughts!
I LOVE deep questions and deep discussions. No, not just love them, I crave them!
I would love to be able to sit down with you and talk!
I know all about lots of questions without answers. And about it seeming like there are more questions the older i get, when I thought I would be starting to have it figured out by now.
And yes, I think all 30-something parents of children are tired!
I should add that my opinions on the aforementioned subject are rapidly evolving. At first I thought it was pretty cut and dried, and then we started talking about it. 🙂
You don’t know me but I wish we could have that discussion. 🙂 Finally…someone who would be willing to admit that maybe the Mennonites (and others I’m sure)have played up homemaking to the extent that we are to absorbed in our own little world to care enough to stretch ourselves a bit and reach out to the hurting around the world. You are braver than me, I have thought this for years and never have the gumption to voice it aloud to very many people. Don’t get me wrong, teaching and training our children IS a high calling but we have the resources to reach out more than we do. I look at my life then I look at the life of a mother in the slums of Africa and can’t help but wonder what God thinks when he looks down and sees me with SO much and His other child with NOTHING. I think we have become like the rich man who gave much but compared to what he had it was little. Sitting around talking about how blessed we are and how sad it is that there are starving children isn’t enough. We have already been called, no COMMANDED, to care for the poor, orphans, widows and needy in Gods holy word. Why do we think we need to sit around and wait to be ‘called’ again. Why is it that when we do take a radical step are we often questioned or caution by fellow Christians who are ‘worried’ we may ruin our nice little family. It shouldn’t be considered radical at all to step out and do hard things but normal for a person filled with Christ’s love. Thanks for allowing this little rant from a stranger… 🙂
“Why is it that when we do take a radical step are we often questioned or caution by fellow Christians who are ‘worried’ we may ruin our nice little family. It shouldn’t be considered radical at all to step out and do hard things but normal for a person filled with Christ’s love.”
I have heard this ^^^^ too many times! Recently, as we were picking up kids in our town for Kids Club, a man from our church asked me incredulously if I allow our Hispanic neighbor kids in our house!! Yes, I do! What could possibly be wrong with that? My heart breaks as I listen to a stepdad, just 25 feet from our house berate, scream and curse violently at his 3 small stepkids for 20 minutes. On Saturday I watched as he screamed and cursed violently at his own mother while neighbors had to restrain him. Then I meet the grandma of another set of kids we pick up in the next block and she tells me how much screaming and cursing is done in that home. I MUST do more to reach out to these families and others…show them God’s love for them and the way to Him. I admit I struggle with my attitude towards that stepdad because I hate to watch as the sparkle grows dim in those little eyes.
Being quiet, gracious, submissive, etc is hard for me. My personality is rather outgoing. I have learned, to some extent, through some rough experiences to be more careful with my mouth. I have more questions on this the older I get!!
Why do missionaries find it so hard with re-entry to ‘home’? Our family has been through that and it is so, so difficult. Your perspective is so different then when you left your home church and family. It is so hard to explain. Our family will always be very thankful for the time spent in living in a mission setting…
Anyway, I’ll stop my ranting. Good post, Michelle! I have read through it several times. Blessings to you! Oh, forty somethings with three year olds who do not sleep are also chronically exhausted!
This is exciting to read this… because it DOES sound as though God is preparing you for something. Exactly what and where, only God knows. Maybe it’s more ministry in your own community. Maybe it’s elsewhere. But I love to hear a stirred heart, because mine feels like that so much of the time. So far from the “traditional” approach, but with such a hunger for God and a desire to make a difference in the world around me. Would LOVE to have this discussion in real life!!
@Esther_lynn – I hope that there IS a discussion about the USA vs Timothy Miller. I don’t think I’m real comfortable yet with what I am hearing as the standard line. I don’t know . . . glad I wasn’t forced to choose . . but I think we need to put some thought and prayer into all of this because this type of situation could be facing more and more of us . . . what will we do?
hey lady, we need to skype!
Interesting questions that have me thinking.
On a random note, love that picture!
I must read your blog more. You sound like my kind of girl: questioning things and not necessarily accepting what we’ve been told just because someone said it.
Your commment about accepting homemaking is so real to me. I love being a mother to my three girls and yet sometimes I think there must be more to life than this. Our husbands get to choose their jobs according to their individual strengths and yet some would have us believe that women must all do the same thing: raise children, cook, plant a garden, sew our own clothes, etc.