The Unsung Heroes

Cruising down I81 I watch the trees glide by my windows like so many train cars across the prairie.  Sunlight streaks through the clouds in that late afternoon lazy way that Adam once told me means light is shining down from heaven.  Snippets of David’s phone conversation with a once prospective cabinetry client who declined cabinets but likes the friendship filter through the memories of today that swirl around my head.

We’ve just come from three different in home meetings with parents of boys at camp.  Their stories are all so different, yet so much the same.  I listen, and my heart lurches with so much emotion.

There are so many reasons why a boy comes to camp.  Sometimes he’s dealing with rejection issues from an adoption.  Sometimes he’s out of control with anger issues and is no longer physically safe to be with his family.  Sometimes he’s stealing and lying, vandalizing property, or running away from home.  Sometimes he’s been sexually abused and sometimes he’s the abuser.  Sometimes he’s had a physically or emotionally abusive parent.

Is it the boy’s fault he’s landed here?  Not really, unless you count the fact that he chose to act out in inappropriate ways.  But seriously, they’re just kids.  They need to be shown a different way, not blamed.  Is it the parent’s fault?  Sometimes, but not always.  In the case of abuse from a parent, then yes.  Other times, maybe or maybe not.  Different people respond differently to environmental stress.  Just as we have certain genetic predispositions that may make us more susceptible to cancer or diabetes or schizophrenia, we are also genetically programmed differently in our behavioral responses.  Sometimes, because of life situations, two kids from the same family end up at camp at the same time.  More often than not it’s just one kid and the others are doing fine.  I hear parents say, “He’s just always been different.  The other kids have their issues now and then, but they’ve never been out of control like this ….”  Why is that?  Why does a kid not thrive when everyone else in the family is doing fine?

Sometimes there are a few things that need to be changed in a boy’s home.  Sometimes the boys come from stellar families with no more stressors or issues than that always-have-it-together family you see at church on Sunday.  And sometimes they come from utter chaos.

David visits parents in their homes to talk with them about what’s going on in their home environment and whether or not there are changes that could be made to help their son return successfully.  He teaches parents how to write homevisit plans, keeps them updated on their son’s welfare and teaches them how to resolve conflicts.  He helps to uncover the story of what happened before camp, interprets what’s happening now, and helps to prepare and plan for the future.

I love these parents.  While they sometimes struggle with feeling like failures, I see their willingness to walk through this process with their kids as nothing short of amazing.  If normal family life with its sacrificial giving 24/7 is a gentle, spring rain, some of these families have been through a tornado.  These moms are at the end of their rope, but they are also often some of the most humble, honest, transparent women I’ve met.  They are laying everything on the line to help their kids be successful.

I hear their stories and think I understand.  Yet I know this is one of those vast disconnects where I can empathize and encourage and support, but I have no idea what it really feels like.

These moms have lived with out of control chaos and sometimes with fear for the lives of their children.  They’re exhausted beyond anything I’ve experienced because they’ve given everything they’ve got for years and nothing is working.

I sometimes struggle with leaving our boys with a babysitter for one day.  These moms drove their child to camp and essentially put him in someone else’s care for a year and a half or longer.  It takes the story before to understand why a mom knows it’s the best decision to make for her child.  It only takes a mom who loves her child to understand the gut-wrenching agony involved in making that decision.

These moms have walked through emotions you and I can’t relate to and that sometimes leave them feeling somewhat isolated.  They may feel relief after dropping off their son just knowing that he’s safe and the other kids are safe and that finally after all these years, someone is offering to help them.  And in the same instant, they may  feel guilty for feeling relieved when they’ve just dropped off their son for another six weeks.  They may feel torn between fear and excitement when he comes home for a visit.  They know what it is like to invest every resource they have … not so that their son can graduate summa cum laude, but so that he can make life choices that lead him toward success instead of into prison.

Parenting isn’t about never making mistakes.  Parenting is about taking hold of the present to shape the future.

These moms who sometimes feel like broken failures?  These moms are some of my heroes.

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