Waves of the Sea

There are many days when I wonder how in the world I’m still standing upright. There are days when I physically feel my body almost buckle with the weight of it all and within seconds I feel my body rise with strength.

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that it is because of the prayers of hundreds of people, holding us up with grace and mercy from God.

They say it takes three to four days to recover enough from a gut blow of difficult information that your body and mind can function normally again. Mine doesn’t seem to ever function normally anymore, but it’s definitely worse in the few days after a hard blow.

On Friday a friend came to spend time with us. It’s so nice to have friends for the little ones. When someone comes, they bring with them the essence of their normal and it temporarily eases the percentage of heaviness in the air. Because of Jesus, we have moments of laughter and fun and music and dancing at our house. I like to think of them as the tables in the wilderness the way it’s described in Psalm 23. But having someone else here can definitely distract the kids, especially the little ones.

I fielded so many phone calls that day about the CPM machine Liam needed. Of course, they can’t all be collected together so that you can decide, this is my two hours of office work. They’re all randomly happening throughout the day, interrupting whatever my brain finally managed to do. So many days I just spin in circles, never, ever reaching around and getting to the end of it and having no idea what I did or if I did anything at all. It’s all just a blur.

Saturday morning a prayer warrior friend called to see how she could pray with me. I told her some of my confusion and asked her to simply pray for God’s presence. We really don’t know the path ahead of us and we can’t know it; but more than anything, I want to be close to Jesus. She prayed that we would have multiple confirmations throughout the day of God’s Presence.

At first glance, it seemed the opposite happened.

I was so thankful to see David. He arrived in the wee hours of the morning Saturday because of having stayed longer with Liam’s surgery the weekend before. Every minute we have together as a whole family is like a precious gift. That afternoon we all went to Central Park on a walk. We’re almost a tourist attraction on our own, judging by the looks we get when we venture out. Families of seven don’t seem to exist in Manhattan and certainly not families of seven plus a wheelchair.

On the way home I glanced across the street and saw someone who could have made my blood turn cold. The intersection was enormous, but I still whispered to David and the boys. Somehow, in spite of parked cars and several lanes of traffic between us, we caught his attention. The look on his face sent chills through all of us and the instant we got the ok, we crossed the street as quickly as we could. We walked home as fast as we possibly could. I wasn’t the only one furtively casting glances across my shoulder.

Later, inside the apartment, I was trying to remember why and what shook me. It was his posture and the look of his face more than anything. I had moments of wondering if he was human. 100% of the population here wears a mask. He didn’t. But more than that, you could sense the presence of darkness. I knew that we were surrounded and carried by God, but that doesn’t mean satan doesn’t try to destroy us.

When we got back Adam wanted to go on a bike ride so we said yes. I was reading my Bible and journaling when I suddenly got an odd feeling. I looked at David and said, “When do I get worried about Adam? I forgot to look to see what time it was when he left. It feels like he’s been gone a long time; but I really don’t have a good sense of time right now. I should probably have a time frame typically otherwise I won’t know when I should start looking for him.

“I’m going to call him,” he said. He tried, but didn’t get an answer. About five minutes later Adam called him, “Hey, I just had a wreck.” I will never get over the gift of intuition God has given moms. It was probably right when Adam was thrown that I wondered if something was wrong.

He had an absolutely freak accident. He was cruising along when the grip on his handlebar flew off and his hand went with it. That torqued him to the left and he hit a parked 2020 Mercedes. He doesn’t remember what happened next. He remembers hitting the car and landing with the bike on top of him, but that’s it. Thank God he wasn’t thrown the other direction into the oncoming traffic and thank God he wasn’t hurt!! I feel as though he was just surrounded by angels!

The owner of the car owned the cologne store right there and came out to talk to him. He was relatively nice, but his employee told Adam that he could be thrown in jail for twenty-four hours for not carrying ID. Either we need to become more city savvy or then I’m really upset at him for threatening my sixteen year old son.

That same day I found out I didn’t have help the next week. Christy and Ian were planning to fly up Sunday, but their Covid swabs were positive. Ian’s came back first and he had zero symptoms! Christy had some congestion, but thought maybe it was lack of sleep. She’d just been asking me if I was still okay with her coming when she got Ian’s results.

That night Harrison wouldn’t settle. David was up with him for an hour in the middle of the night and I took a turn for the next hour. During that time the darkness and fear I’d felt all afternoon broke. The fear left; but even more the oppressive darkness left. I’ve felt this several times since Liam’s diagnosis. I don’t know quite how to describe it, but it’s very oppressive and tangible.

Harrison finally settled as I prayed over him.

Sunday morning I was combing the girls’ hair. We’ve long had a tradition that they get to watch youtube on Sunday mornings when I do their hair. They have so much hair and on Sunday when everything is a rush it made life much calmer. Now we don’t have a Sunday morning rush because we don’t go to church, but the treat remains. The girls always pick kids movies. Always. But that day Zara chose two adult songs that spoke directly to my soul. “Let it Go,” by Jason Grey and “Reason,” by Unspoken.

David shared words from a friend with our little family about the story of Job. In many of the stories of adversity in the Old Testatment it was because the Israelites had sinned and God was displeased with them. But the story of so many trials and tests in Job’s life begins with God boasting to satan about his servant Job because He was so pleased with him. He prayed that we could keep that mentality of God’s goodness. Of how much God loves us and is pleased with us and that we could live out of that in this time of so much hardship and shadow.

God honored my request from the day before. God’s presence was so felt that day. It was as real as the darkness the day before. In retrospect, I remembered words from Lisa Tyrkeust who (loosely quoted as I remember) said, “When the shadow is darkest, that is when God is closest. Just as in real life, light is right outside the darkest shadow, so too, God is so present when we can only see the shadow that separates us.” I sensed that presence in the angels protecting Adam the day before.

Therefore hear this, you who are afflicted, who are drunk, but not with wine. Thus says your Lord, the LORD, your God who pleads the cause of his people. Behold I have taken from your hand the cup of staggering; the bowl of my wrath you shall drink no more; and I will put it into the hands of your tormentors who have said to you, Bow down, that we may pass over; and you have made your back like the ground and like the street for them to pass over. Isaiah 51: 21-23

Awake, awake, O [Michelle]; put on your beautiful garments, …. Shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated, loose the bonds from your neck, O captive daughter. Isaiah 52:1-2

On Monday my mom came back to spend another week. I’d thought maybe we’d be ok on our own, but it’s just too shaky to think of having all the kids here and never knowing when I need to be in with Liam. I was so glad I’d said yes when she offered because when I checked Liam’s portal it was obvious they expected him to restart chemo. The owner of the Mercedes sent us a quote for $3700 worth of body work to get his car fixed. Apparently you can do a lot of damage with a bike if the car is new enough and expensive enough. Thankfully our homeowner’s insurance will cover it.

That afternoon when Mom, the girls, and I headed out on a walk we got stuck. There are three doors to get to our apartment and the middle one quit latching, much less locking. She was trying to get it to at least shut when it pushed through to the other side of the stationary door and wouldn’t budge one way or the other. The boys were upstairs. We were stuck outside. In my desperation to dislodge it I dropped my phone and broke the screen.

David called Adam and between the two of us we got it open. Tuesday morning we woke up to a cold apartment and realized the heat quit working.

Will it ever end? I know God is here; but I feel so weary of the long shadows. Gently God led me back to perspective. In this moment, it feels never ending. But at the end of our life, we’ll look back and see the tiny blip this was. A hard blip, yes, but a tiny blip. But even more, in eternity when we get to be with God for what is truly never ending, we will see that our times of intense suffering were so very, very short. Perhaps this is why the tangible presence of God is such a gift here on earth. It is a glimpse of eternity.

That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might. Ephesians 1:17-19

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