Wednesday December 8, 2010
Now that it’s colder and we’re spending more time inside, the boys and I have been making trips to the library. Some days I go and randomly pull books off the shelf and come home with one or two books I really like. Other times I go and randomly pull books off the shelf and come home to discover I love an armload of them. I wish I knew more about children’s literature and what to look for.
This time I found three books the boys and I both love. That rarely happens because of their age gap. I am hoping that someday I will be able to consistently read books they both enjoy. For now we take turns. One chapter in Adam’s book then a story for Liam. Another chapter for Adam then a story for Liam. Or sometimes David will read to Liam for awhile and Adam and I will read all evening. Right now Adam and I are reading Davy Crockett. We read two books about Jamestown over Thanksgiving that he absolutely loved — “Our Strange New Land” and “The Starving Time.”
It’s a juvenile stretch for Adam; but he smiled and said he wanted a zillion. Liam and Adam complement each other so well. While they look like twins born four years apart, they have night and day personalities. Or Venus and Pluto. Adam hated kisses and cuddling from the time he could voice an opinion. He may as well have come out of the womb walking he was so grown up. And somehow he thought cuddling was way too childish for him. Liam is much cuddlier. He hands out kisses, says I love you, and thinks hugs are funny, not claustrophobic. Adam is slowly becoming more ok with hugs and kisses as he watches Liam revel in them.
Adam and Liam both love this book although now that Liam has insisted we read it twenty-five times, Adam is more than ready to move on. The story reminds me of the way old books were written … where kids got to do grownup things.
And this one would make my dad proud. Maybe all those years of pounding Black History into us paid off. At any rate, the story is full of delicious word choices and very well-written. My favorite line is, “I have found hope and it is as brown as me.” I love pulling up my long-forgotten deep South drawl and explaining the history behind the story to Adam. I love seeing his quietness as he stretches to take it in. Great book.
I’ve been reading more, too. One of those little rewards for cleaning til my hands nearly peeled for three weeks. The first book I read was a novel about a child with mitochondrial disease and an innocent woman accused of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. I’ll refrain from listing the title since I’ve had hackles coming back at me because I do not always read christian books. 
The story was very well-written, but more than that, it addressed big life issues. And even though I’ve only heard of Munchausen Syndrome during my clinicals at a children’s rehab center, I found myself processing my own life. And more then ever before I realized that when a person goes through something much more intense and overwhelmingly terrible than most people, the simplest things about them are often misunderstood and misinterpreted. They are often lonely and somewhat socially isolated. And the people around them don’t get it. Not because they don’t want to care. But because they really do not understand. They do not really see what is going on. They do not know how to respond. And so, unintentionally, they sometimes pour on a whole lot more pain.
My favorite phrase in the book was, “The opposite of fear is not courage. It is faith.”
On Monday I read, Putting Off Anger, by John Coblentz. I cannot praise the book enough. Incidentally I’ve had the book on my shelf for nearly ten years (boy that makes me sound old) but never read it. Then my sister, Beth, sent it to me on loan after a phone conversation she and I had on forgiveness. How do you forgive someone who has hurt, manipulated, and controlled you for decades? How do you forgive when someone does not apologize or change their behavior? How do you forgive when it feels as though your life has forever been shaped … when you find yourself reacting in unhealthy ways to situations and you wonder where all else you’re reacting? How do you forgive when it feels as though you’ve been robbed of the gift of normal? How do you forgive when you have forgiven a million times and still you feel yourself unconsciously stiffen when you unexpectedly hear that person’s voice?
I learned so much about myself as I read. Things I really did not want to know and yet desperately wanted to hear. It was humbling. Horrifically revealing. And yet, indescribably freeing. I’ve heard things on forgiveness. Good things. But every time I hear someone talk about it, it’s about an event. Or a relatively short time period (a year or two, maybe). And admittedly, sometimes the offensive acts they’re talking about are ENORMOUS. But there is one difference. They have some kind of closure. It WAS heinous. And while they have memories that no one should ever have to deal with, it’s not their current life situation. How do you feel not only forgiveness, but FREEDOM in your heart when you know that tomorrow you may be cut wide open again? How do you live with outstretched hands?
Recently I was in a Sunday School class and the teacher started talking about the discipline of suffering. I was wide open. Until. He wrapped up suffering in a neat little gift box and plopped a bow on top … here is your divinely inspired package to make you holy. I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes and I had to get out. I sat in the car and sobbed so hard I felt the car shake. I cried for the years of pain. I cried for a few friends of mine who are going through a life of suffering that would make most people buckle. And I cried because I had so much stuff bottled up that was recently unearthed. Things I thought I’d taken care of way back then.
How can suffering be a divine gift? If we would have needed suffering in that way, God would have given it to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. I believe passionately that God brings Redemption through suffering. Every Christian does. It’s the basis of Christianity. Jesus suffering on the cross to free us. And it is the belief of Christianity for every believer. God works through suffering to refine us. To make us Holy. But deep down I cannot see God saying, “Here, I couldn’t wait to give this to you.” No, no, no! He does not give it. He allows it. Why do you think God had to turn His face away when Jesus died? The idea of God liking suffering is unthinkable to me. The fact that He brings beauty out of the ashes of suffering nothing short of a miracle.
But back to Coblentz’ book. I felt as though someone was freeing me out of a cage as I read. He talks a lot about ongoing difficult situations. About the way they distort our perspective. About the way we begin to develop anger patterns that stay with us even when we are not in that same situation. There was something healing about the way he wrote … this is what happens to people, not, you are a bad person because you became angry. He talks about people in the Bible who experienced ongoing suffering. He talks about people today … but again, not in a this is a worst case scenario … you should be doing better with what you’ve been handed. But best of all, he repeatedly brings you back into a focus of God. A focus of truth. And just as we naturally develop patterns of anger and bitterness, we can choose to develop patterns of faith, forgiveness, love, and gratitude. When we believe God is. That He is good. Sovreign. That He wants to bring out a message of grace in our lives. That His purposes are higher than we can see (and maybe won’t see for a very, very long time).
It was as though I felt my entire world perspective shift. That recent letter full of critcism, the words of rejection … they sort of faded away. I don’t know what’s going to happen with the old history. I think I may be forgiving and learning patterns of faith for the rest of my life. But it feels as though I’ve been set free from so much. And for the first time in a few weeks, I felt something strange. And then I realized my eyes were back to normal. They crinkled when I smiled.
Wow. What a powerful post. Thank you for your openness and honesty.
Oh Michelle. This made me want to give you a big hug! Love seeing your beauty from the ‘inside out’.
Think I am gonna see if I can get those children’s books at the library. Esp. the last one. Looks very interesting!
Just got back from the library myself! 🙂
I really have no words.. powerful post. I , have found it so far to be a journey.. and that nice little gift wrapped box? I would have joined you in the van… keep on Michelle.
Tears are stinging my eyes… Your honesty is deeply touching, and I hurt for the criticism and rejection you’ve been given… I’ve also been going through some body-wracking crying sessions. My situation is different than yours, but there is that longing to be heard and known and loved right in the middle of the pain. To not have to be on the other side, citing all the reasons why God allowed this, but to be in the middle, still feeling the pain, and somehow meet God there. I’ve been reading “Cry of the Soul” by Dan Allendar, and it’s opened up a can of worms for me. I think it’s a good thing, but the past few weeks have been HARD, having to face things within myself that I didn’t even know were there… Loved this post, Michelle!! And praying that God will keep walking with you – not ahead of you, not behind you, but WITH you… ♥
Beautiful, beautiful post!! And a truly lovely heart shining through. I LOVE you, girl, and wish with all my heart we lived close enough to go to the library together, to get together for creme de menthe and heart-to-heart talks!! Praying for you….
Wow, just Wow!!! I just had to comment, though I can’t yet bring myself to blog… 🙁
“How do you feel not only forgiveness, but FREEDOM in your heart when you know that tomorrow you may be cut wide open again? How do you live with outstretched hands?” I know too God is a Redeemer in a way I have never known or felt before, but oh the ongoing pain, it kills…
Loved this post and hugs to you!! Did you get our check? I don’t know if my name is going to show up, so just so you know… its me, Sherilyn. 🙂
Real deep beautiful post Michelle. May you find fresh and new healing from going there, going to where it’s raw, painful and dark. Thats what makes you beautiful, you go there. It’s scary, but you go there. It hurts but you go there. Because you want to be alive, you want to live. And you shall, because you dare to. Hugs
Wow! Powerful truths here! Thank you for being so honest about your struggles.
It gives me hope! I want, no I NEED to read that book.
Praying that you will feel the goodness of God in your life in a very REAL way!
awe, Michelle. Hugs!! Love you….
i’d have been running to the car too. my tears making it shake. i’d just want to snap, “i’m holy enough thankyouverymuch!” and of course i’m not. but i’d settle for this much holy if being more so COSTS SO MUCH!!! suffering? nah. i’ll pass. i’m good. 😉
i just keep sitting here. crying. writing. deleting. crying. writing. deleting. and then i’ve tried repeatedly to rec and it won’t let me. so. i’m going to bed! be back tomorrow!!!
love you much.
“How do you forgive when someone does not apologize or change their behavior? How do you forgive when it feels as though your life has forever been shaped … when you find yourself reacting in unhealthy ways to situations and you wonder where all else you’re reacting? How do you forgive when it feels as though you’ve been robbed of the gift of normal?”
This past year, I went through a time when I really struggled with anger because I was robbed of normal. Because I react in unhealthy ways to a lot of things. Because I have walls up so high to protect myself from hurt, because of what’s happened in the past. Because as hard as I try, I can never quite escape the influence of those years. I’ve read John Coblentz’s book (it’s been awhile) and it was really good for me. I should read it again.
I probably wouldn’t have left that SS class, since that isn’t usually me- but I likely would’ve sat there seething and exploded to my husband on the way home! Pain and suffering isn’t something that can be wrapped up in a pretty little package! It’s a messy process, even when some good does eventually come out of it. I get so frustrated sometimes, because we have a few ladies in our Sunday School class who have this “one-size-fits-all” solution to certain things, and I sit there screaming inside, and wanting to cry out, “It’s not that simple! Maybe for you, but not for me! Surely I’m not the only one!”
I hope your eyes keep crinkling when you smile… and you find continued healing. May God bless you for honestly sharing. It does me good to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this issue!
“The fact that He brings beauty out of the ashes of suffering nothing short of a miracle.” Very true….
@lifeisadance –
Thank you! And praying the same for you as well. Pain is just hard, no matter what caused it.
@lolita_rose –
Oh, Lita, Do you know how MUCH I would love that? Why do we have to be separated by an ocean?
@Sherilyn –
Hugs to you, too! And yes, I did get your check.
@down_onthefarm –
Cindy, oh my friend, Cindy. Never mind. I’ll message you.
@richlyblest –
Yeah, that’s not usually me either. I tend to do the explode later thing, too. But this was a matter of very bad timing. 😛
Thanks so much for this post!! Its encouraging just to know others can see that this issue doesnt have a ‘pat’ answer!
Wow! Great post, Michelle.
I am so happy for you that you have found some “answers” to questions and struggles you have!
Just so many great thoughts you have on here! About forgiveness and anger and all of that.
And the other thing that caught my eye, you read to Adam for a WHOLE evening?? Wow!
Michelle, I don’t even know what to say. How could I have missed seeing this post until today, and how could there have been a more perfect day to see it? I don’t feel like I have the energy to write what is in me right now, but thank you for this post. You are an inspiration, and that word doesn’t even come close.
crinkley,smiley eyes are THEEE best! loved this post. I’ve cried in the car a few times, too. and i love how you view suffering of a Child of God.
I love Black History and we were just talking about Harriet Tubman tonight. Got me thinking about more books to get. Any good suggestions for a 6 and 9 yr. old?
hey i love history period so any thing that you rec for linda could you pretty please let me in on that??? 🙂
i love! am celebrating! whatever He is doing on your insides, to make your eyes crinkle again.
i’ve been trying to decide which part of this post was most meaningful.
so that i don’t ramble endlessly here about all of it in Michelle’s comment box.
never have done that before ya know *cough*cough* and i’m not going to start now.
ha. 🙂
but so much clutched at my heart. i know that i wanted things boxed like that. if life had to get a little messy and hard,
i wanted a quick and easy clean up. no sticky residue. pain and suffering? yay! more holiness! little boxes for problems that required little boxes for answers. churchy sounding words, formulas to follow a,b, and c and maybe steps 1,2,3 this way… and there! all better now.
but the real deal is…finding out there aren’t boxes.
and there is Hope… because He can’t be boxed either!!!
no. not my God. not The One who made your eyes crinkle again.
you could never get that from a box.
i love! am celebrating! whatever He is doing on your insides, to make your eyes crinkle again.
“How do you forgive when someone does not apologize or change their behavior?” That is a question I would love to know the answer too. When you get it figured out, let me know.
“How do you forgive when it feels as though your life has forever been shaped ” The beauty of God’s Redeeming Grace is that He can do some shaping. No matter how yucky, nasty, aweful of an experience, God can and wants to bring redemption.
If you never read Gene Edwards “A Tale of Three Kings”, I strongly recommend it. Amazing book.
“He wrapped up suffering in a neat little gift box and plopped a bow on top … here is your divinely inspired package to make you holy.” God is not packagable. We try so hard to understand and create formula’s and find answers, but sometimes there are no answers. And sometimes the answers are different for different people. One person suffers because of their own choices, another suffers because of their parents choices. Some suffer because of disobedience, others because of obedience. And what God plans to do with the suffering in our lives, no one can know. And I quote Gene Edwards, “Only God knows. And He’s not telling”.
Wow! Thanks for sharing! I am currently reading John Coblentz’s book Getting Along with People God’s Way. He has a way of making me look inside my soul to see how God sees me and how we should view others God’s way. Life is hard, but He provides friends along the way who understand and care and pray.