Wednesday December 9, 2009
Yesterday was one of those perfect, stay at home days. It was shivery cold outside and so much fun to be in a warm house. Between loads of laundry, baking granola (umm, I love how the house smells when I do that), and watching the boys, I felt like a domestic queen. I love when it feels like that at our house … happy, restful, cozy, fun. Candles burning, Christmas music in the background, the boys’ new roaring fire truck with it’s obnoxious siren, the dryer beeping, giggles ~ it just all felt so right.
I wish it always felt like that. I think it helped that (aside from a quick trip to the post office) we stayed home all day and that my to do list was manageable instead of trying to cram two days into one like I do too often. I have pared back my expectations for myself so far from what they used to be, and yet it seems it is never enough. Like last week getting ready for the banquet I gave myself three days to get ready. But I didn’t factor in sick baby time and ended up doing a 9-1-1 call to my SIL for some help Friday afternoon, David came home early, and I still didn’t get it all done. Should moms just not do anything?
How do you know how to find balance between pursuing dreams in your life and just cutting it all out to keep things peaceful?
When I was a teenager my dreams morphed from school teacher to being a nurse. Apparently it runs in the genes; three of my great aunts are nurses. My parents stood behind me 101%. Dad paid 3/4 of my way through college and Mom did everything from serving me freshly squeezed half frozen orange juice at 5:00 in the morning (I would often get up at 2 or 3 to study a few more hours on exam mornings) to stumbling over words like “benzodiazepines” and “lymphadenopathy” to quiz me while we did jam deliveries.
Three years later my dreams became reality. I graduated summa cum laude, was awarded with the highest GPA certificate I’d worked and worked and worked for, and passed state boards. But far better then all of that, I got paid to do work that was so much fun for me. I’d worked as a patient care assistant the last six months of college to get a feel for real hospital life and to scope out job options. It didn’t take long to figure that one out. Hands down, I wanted to work in the CCU. The excitement of an intensive care unit without a lot of open wounds or post op nausea, and the majority of patients came in very ill but saw rapid recovery. Plus, the staff there was amazing.
Oh there were bad days. Especially in winter when the MICU decided to use us for their overflow and sent us their 500 lb (I am not kidding) patients with contact droplet isolation and multiple decubs. But even at the end of my three years there, I often felt thrills of delight at being allowed to walk through the “no admittance past this point” double doors, to watch an ECHO, to draw blood. When the nausea in my first pregnancy forced me to quit a few months earlier then I’d planned, I was devastated. I said goodbye in a daze, not really believing I would never go back.
The next morning I sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried and cried while David held me. It felt as though everything I had worked so hard to achieve was gone and I had no dreams in front of me. I never resented the baby inside me for the death of that dream because I knew it was not that baby; but the fact that we’d chosen to start our family. And I still don’t resent the fact that we have a family. I just wish there were some way to do everything.
There are still days I miss work terribly. As clearly as though it were yesterday I can hear the whir of a CVVHD machine or the bump and rattle of the food cart as it thumped across the doorway into the CCU. I miss Marian’s million dollar smile and the way everyone held their breath when the overhead alarm started …. then let it out when it went on to dong four times instead two. I miss working with other adults. People who made me laugh, who jumped in to help when someone was swamped, who dispensed advice about work and gardening and life in general.
Some people have insinuated that it’s a waste. As soon as I started college people would smile and say, “Oh, and what are you going to do if you graduate and get married?” (Mennonite women don’t work, you know.) My mom was the best at combatting this. From day one till now and probably till the end of time she will remind me, “It is never a waste to learn new things.” I agree. Neither is it ever a waste to fulfill a dream.
Most of the time that’s how it feels. A dream fulfilled. It’s part of why I don’t go back to visit ~ partially because I’m scared the staff has changed so much I won’t know anyone and partially because I don’t want to deal with the enormous longing that wells up inside of me every time I smell the hospital.
As time went on, I developed new dreams. To write books. To travel to Europe. To learn photography. To be a good mommy. I love that life holds so many possibilities.
The last while I’ve been wondering how much to pursue my dreams and how much to lay everything about me aside and just be a mommy. I don’t think this answer is the same for all women and neither does it stay the same for one woman over time because our families and their needs change. I could swing to one end of the pendulum and say I should pursue nothing else. This works beautifully for some women. It doesn’t work so well for me. When I pursue no interests, I dry up as a person. (Even my husband starts telling me to get out.) It feels as though there is nothing to talk about. Nothing to get passionate about (and even though he rolls his eyes when I get too excited to sleep, he likes that better then when I turn into my self-termed “meek and sweet” person). Being excited about something helps me to bring passion to all the normal areas of my life.
But when I swing to the other end of the pendulum (or my family’s needs increase and I haven’t yet caught on to that fact), I burn out and / or get grumpy. I think I’m sort of there right now (or rather was the last few weeks). So once again I am trying to evaluate what is right for me and for us and to find my way. Sometimes I wish God would audibly speak specifics.
These domestic days are perfect for evaluating. Liam is playing with a fire truck and Adam is stirring food coloring into glasses of water and getting all excited about seeing colors emerge. It’s cold out and warm in. The candles are burning and Christmas music is playing. It’s the perfect time to think.
I pray you can keep dreaming.. don’t let life steal that from you. Love you!
Wow, your post brings back memories…I worked as a CNA in ICU/CCU for 2 1/2 years, from just out of high school until I got married. While I didn’t go any farther to become an RN, I enjoyed it immensely and know how you feel! It’s an intense, busy, sometimes terrifying place to work, but I’m glad I got the opportunity to do it.
Really liked your post. I’ve had a string of frustrating days w/ my children here the last while and I felt like calling you after I read this and asking you to please send one of those days over here…. this day is going by on wings and I’ve accomplished what feels like nothing.
While I’m the kind of person who has always been more of a homebody, I often wonder what other things I should cut out just to keep it peaceful. I have certain things I feel have got to get done and as soon as I start the children are right there around me fussing like crazy and it makes me wonder if I have my priorities straight, but I think these other things are so important too….. and I go on this crazy cycle. I often try to work on extras during naptime, but than I also feel like I should be working on house work. Anybody else know what I mean?
Anyways, sorry about all that… =) So glad you’re day went good, and hope today goes better. I really think my afternoon will go better than my morning did.
another mother here who is trying to live up to the ‘good menn. mommy image’, and failing miserably. Days of spinning wheels and not getting anywhere. I’m waiting until they grow up!
Yes! It’s the way it is with some of us; sweeping and dusting dries up our bones. We need to keep learning and trying hard things. The hard part for me is to get the floors mopped and the windows washed before I get grumpy and make everyone grumpy because I am. I forgot about the 5:00AM juice times. Would it ever be good for me to do some quizzing – fun for me because I could see the answers.
I love days like that too- and I think I will be having more of them with baby #4 coming in April:). Just easier to stay home and be a mom. … about your dreams–I think it is different for each woman, and I really think it is something you should seriously take to your Father God- he cares about your heart and he wants you to be fulfilled and live with passion, so ask him, he’ll speak to your heart. I think sometimes we are called to different dreams at different times in our lives- right now my calling is my kids/ husband …. but, as they get older I have other dreams that I know God is going to make a way for. My husband & I have dreams to ministry together in some pretty big ways— and it seems like part of that is on hold while I (we) raise our kids, but… being faithful where I can, and keeping the dream alive is good… learning to live in the moment and to know you are RIGHT where you should be, with a passion is a very GOOD place to be- so find it, and don’t let what others think or say— make you feel less than you are, not every mennonite theology is good or right:). esp. judging and being critical which seems to be pretty normal:). – sorry!
I just wish that I could think! I feel like my brain—my creativity, my passion for ANYthing, my joy—-has simply shriveled. Dreams? They’ve suffocated under mountains of ironing and the pressure of commitments.
Cozy days at home with content children sure is rewarding! Your have been far in your life, I feel very lame to think what I have accomplished compared to you. I have had dreams but never spend years following it only to have to set it aside to follow the calling of motherhood (which is priceless). I am proud of you and one day your children will sit and be amazed at their mother, count on it. 🙂 Passion…..I never want to live without it.
you have an amazing mom. how did she get so wise? =)
i have been thinking alot about how to age gracefully, to combat cynicism in my heart, to be refreshing and invigorating as a friend; and i think one of the biggest keys is to not bury “myself” under the landslide of life. how to avoid that- i’m not sure. (maybe ask your mom.)but that is what your post was about, right? just repeating you here.
i smiled when i saw you have fulfilled 3 of the 4 new dreams already. you go, girl!
I LOVED this post! I could totally relate to those times that everything just feels cozy and warm and in harmony in our home. I have to say it seems like those days are kind of rare compared to the wild and crazy and frustrating days! Whenever we have a day like that I think “Why can’t all our days be like this one?” Because I do think that some of it depends on me and my frame of mind and my attitude. whether good or bad. And keeping the to-do list to a manageable size is also a HUGE help!
I think you should be SO proud of yourself that you followed your nursing dream and got the job you wanted and all of that. It took a LOT of hard work, I’m sure. I guess that you working part time is not something that you guys want to do? Because with nursing, at least around here, you can usually get a couple of shifts a week and keep up your nursing degree and whatever and still be home most of the time.
Anyway, I think it is very important, for me, at least, to have dreams and goals and passions outside of being a Mom. That’s more the way I’m wired too! Blessings to you today and as you raise your children and teach them about following their dreams!
Dreams never cost anything, my husband always says. But even if they do, they’re worth pursuing. I hope you can find your place and direction in sorting out what you need to be doing, and that you can passionately pour your heart into that calling. And this season of mommy-hood is so short; I see my almost 8 year olds pics from toddler-hood and think, “How did I go from there to here so fast?”
Oh can I ever identify. This week has been a downer for me. I’ve been a bear. I’ve done nothing but wipe a snotty nose and remove clinging fingers from my skirt so I can move. I’d be happy for a happy day at home.
I think it’s the dreams that keep us going. If we just all stayed home all day, we would get so burned out. Keep dreaming just enough to keep ya going!
I don’t have answers for you Michelle, but I loved reading your post. 🙂 I do love those stay-at-home-get-lots-done-children-happy days. Does seem like everyone is happier when my schedule is emptier.
I’m a new reader of yours. Found you from “Life in the Shoe” Love this post!
@LydiaJo –
Welcome here! I browsed your blog a little this morning … you have adorable kids!
@mlt10202002 –
How do you say in four phrases what I try to say in an entire blog post???????????????????? THIS is why I am not so good at facebook. Wordy, wordy me.
@appalolly –
We have actually talked about it a little. There are a few glitches I’m not ready to work through yet. 1. Babysitters around here are e.x.p.e.n.s.i.v.e and after taxes and that, I wouldn’t make enough to make the hassle worth it. Nurses are furiously in demand so unless you work wage, you get mandatory flex up time which means you’ll probably work full time. Wage has it’s own set of drawbacks … I tried that after I got married. Plus, I hate boring nursing … like working on the floor; but the unit I worked in is fiercely demanding and I found that when I only did it one day a week, I got slow on the draw. Yes, it’s that demanding. So, I’m afraid that with the very bad case of mommy brain I’ve developed, I would end up doing something stupid. Which means I should choose something easy which means the job would drive me nuts. So I wait and wonder and doubt I’ll ever have enough brain left to go back. And if you could understand all that jumble then you are amazing. 🙂
It’s a sticky balance, isn’t it? I’m at the point where most days I’m at home with my kids I kick myself for not going to college when I had the opportunity. I don’t care so much about the Mennonite image and if I’m living it, as much as the passions God has given me and if they’re being used. I have huge dreams of being a music teacher, or even a couple other options as well, but with two little girls those dreams feel unattainable- at least in the fashion they would normally be pursued. So I’m being creative in finding/making other ways to use those gifts and realize at least a portion of my dreams- like teaching a music class within our homeschool group. If I don’t do at least that much, I, like you just shrivel up as a person. Support and comraderie (like reading this post) have been essentials to my mental well being in this place where domestics really aren’t my dream, but are my phase in life right now.
Wordy posts??? I love them! I always exclaim with delight when Michelle blogs! seriously. I do get tired of the snippets on FB sometimes. there are times when I want more meat, and not so much appetizer and/or dessert! Keep it up, lady! I love you!
Still trying to make sense of it all; you know that. This was an enjoyable read.
Oh, Michelle! I know how you feel. My desires of finishing midwifery were shattered when my now 7 yr old became ill and was consequently diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis. I thought I would never finish school and so far I haven’t. But the time I had with it all and with the patients was wonderful.
I was blessed with other passions that I’m able to share with some of my children since a couple of them are nearly grown now. I do have several ideas for books and I really should pursue them before they vanish from my ever backlogged mind. Meanwhile, my clock ticks rapidly to get some more training done before baby #5 gets on the scene in late spring. My 2 yr old keeps me hopping so sitting down in front of the computer can only be done at naptime or when her siblings are here to keep her busy.
It’s all God’s plan and sometimes we don’t like it, (trust me, I have had many angry moments and tears shed), but in prayer, God just tells us that our plans aren’t always his and we just have to sit down, hush up and wait till it’s our turn. He’ll give us fulfillment in other means and ways.
Enjoy this moment at home with your sons. The time will pass before your eyes so quickly.