Wednesday March 14, 2007
Xanga Lock
I have bashed xanga lock; but for now I’m subscribing. I’m still not convinced this is the “safe” way to go, especially after reading a few things yesterday; but for now I’m hoping it will suffice since I’m not quite ready to give up posting photos as of yet.
Mental Ramblings
Christy posted on one of my pet subjects and it really started my brain (which is amazing considering it’s not 10:00 yet). She talked about hiding our real self and why we do it. For several years now, ok, ever since I got married and moved here almost five years ago, I’ve been trying to determine several things. One, how do you find people you “mesh” well with in a new community? I think I have two, maybe three, people now whom I feel completely safe with and one of them is about 1,000 miles North for now. The other person moved here two years ago. My husband and I are not one bit convinced we’re going to live here the rest of our lives and frankly, I am scared to smitherines of moving. All because I hate thinking of starting over. I have a number of “social friends” here. I enjoy talking with all the ladies in general. Most of the time, I don’t feel like an outcast anymore. But it took a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this point and I dread the thought of doing it again.
When I think about why I hide, the main reason that comes to my mind is because of the other person’s response (or to be more specific, their lack of it). Which leads me to question whether we all want the same response. My close friends, old and new, listen, empathise, share their own journey as it relates, ask questions that let me talk. I really like that. So I assume everyone does. But do they really? Most of the time, I hide. Because every time I let my guards down and say how I feel, I don’t find that. For example, one day, about a month ago, I was so terribly discouraged about the house b/c we’d just gotten another serious set-back to our moving date. The next day was our church sewing and I decided tomorrow I am not putting on the happy front I’ve tried hard to maintain for months. If someone asks, I’m going to say the truth. I did. And got the same frustrating pat replies like, “oh at least it will be warm when you move (w/ a smile and a slap on my arm). Just remember it will all be worth it.” Not one, “Oh, I remember that feeling” or “That must be so frustrating.” By the time I got home I was more depressed than ever. And this was about our house. Is it any wonder that I don’t share something personal? But now I’m wondering. If that’s what I’m getting from people, is that what they WANT in return? Am I the odd ball culturally (well that’s sort of obvious) and just need to toughen up? Do some people consider those sorts of statements encouraging and go away feeling revved up to go? I’m not being cynical. I’m questioning. Because I’m beginning to wonder if I need to change my way of thinking and doing and being for the community I’m in.
Pneumonia
Adam has been very sick over the weekend and I finally decided to take him to the doctor Monday when his fever continued to stay at 101.3 whenever it wasn’t masked w/ motrin. He was diagnosed with pneumonia. Poor kid. He coughs and coughs and coughs and coughs, sometimes until he throws up. At least he’s eating and feeling better since he’s on amoxicillen. Last night when David Lee got home he barreled out the back door like usual and stood on the little stoop. “Hi,” he yelled. “Hi,” David Lee said, “are you feeling better?” “Yes, I am,” Adam said then thought a little before adding, “I’m SO much better. I just don’t have ‘monia anymore.” I knew he was better yesterday morning when he was determined to load the washer by himself. I was standing there holding the door and he refused to load anything for fear I’d grab a piece as soon as he took his eyes off me. Finally he said, “You should not hang on the door. You might ‘scwatch’ it.” I took the hint and left and he loaded the washer in peace.
I am so glad I can always count on you to understand what I was saying–or maybe what I meant to say. After your comment, and now your post, I have been thinking, too, about changing the way I “need” people to respond. Did we grow up in some kind of green house environment? Does being vulnerable not really have so much to do with being afraid of what people will think as having people not care in a way that feels caring? That’s what it feels like to me.
I don’t think I wrote my post very well, because most people thought I meant that it was hard for me to share. It’s not. I’m very willing, maybe too willing, to share. It’s just that, as you said, after so many times of hearing comments that are not at all encouraging to me, I’d rather suffer alone. This is where I’d like some help. It doesn’t seem healthy to close up.
Okay, not like we have thoroughly discussed this issue before and you have no idea how I feel about it. Enough said.
I like your post! After my youngest son was born, I had terrible post-partum depression. It wasn’t hard for me to tell who was genuinely interested in listening & who wasn’t. Was I too depressing to be around or should I not have expressed my true feelings so much? I started feeling guilty that I was depressed. Like it was all my fault & I just needed to snap out of it. My first Sunday back in church, I spoke with one of the ladies (one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever met), she had been through depression & she knew… really knew… what I was going through. She truly heard what I was saying & truly cared. That was a huge help for me. I know there are great people out there, but it seems like once I finally connect with someone, they get married and move away! 🙁 Sometimes, I just want to move back to SD and be like 15 again! lol
i love you, michelle!!!! thanks for your honesty!!!!!!
that’s a great little kid you got there =] i love his reasoning! oh and i’d love to send you some warm weather but i don’t have enough of my own to share right now.
Great post. I have alot of thoughts on this but it is rattling around in my head and you and Christy did a good job of putting words into phrases for me. I think too, the main key is we sit and observe how people handle what has been told to them and I tend to think that is the way I will be treated. I have wondered am I from different planet and want too much? I’ve lived a lot of places and being accepting of where someone is and yet truly finding what my heart needs in a community seem to be miles apart. I am going to stop before i get myself in deep and get totally misunderstood. Your little guy is so cute..
Oh, I have never built a house but I do understand the frustration of having to change things. I hope you get to move soon. Before it is too hot:) Kim
Hi…..miss you =(
Oh that new community stuff is so very tough…I still, after 13 years, struggle with it at times. I’m trying to learn to be real no matter what the response or outcome and take it to Jesus when it hurts. It’s so easy for me to just try to fit the mold of what is expected and keeps everyone comfortable, but then I die a little inside…
I just miss my “outspoken, know the very deeps of me, say it like it is with lots of love” friends that I grew up with. =) But I am also grateful for the pruning that has taken place in me as a result of being taken out of my comfort zone and I do love the friends I’ve made here, so I’ll quit whining. =)
Well, I’ve just discovered something else that you & I have in common, another subject for us to discuss over cups of coffee some day. (;-)) I, too, moved to a new community when I got married (almost 7 yrs. ago), & left behind the dearest, most trustworthy & honest friends of my life. It was extremely hard to start over. About two years ago, God led me into a situation that developed into deep friendships w/ not one, but five other young women in the church. (One moved away last fall & I miss her terribly sometimes. We had together shared our individual painful battles w/ depression, & I didn’t know how I’d survive w/out her empathetic smiles, conversations, & phone calls.) Just this week, 3 of the women & I had a much-needed time together, sharing burdens, crying together, and encouraging each other. If someone had told me 7 years ago that it was going to take me over 5 years to make true friends in this community, I probably would have ended my engagement & stayed in my home area. But you know what? I would be so far behind in my spiritual walk w/ God!!!! He has taught me so many lessons here that I know I wouldn’t have learned in twenty years in my home community. And even though I’ve hated some parts of the journey, I have to admit that the friendships I now have are worth it all!
Never give up. Don’t stop reaching out. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, even if it hurts. The only way you’ll ever connect with someone is by being willing to open your heart, even if doing so scares you silly (and — maybe — makes you look silly in the judgmental eyes of some people). And while you wait for a real woman friend to connect with you———-seek to know Christ above all others. He alone can meet the deepest needs in your heart.
Thanking God for what I’ve learned, and wondering what else He has in store for me……..~Jo
P.S. And just in case you think that my life here is all cushy now, I must add that some days I still feel like the odd one out in a church criss-crossed w/ family connections (our closest relative in the church is my husband’s decade-older adopted cousin), amongst people whose first language is PA Dutch (basically Greek to me), and in an area where my family background is a mystery to almost everyone. I recently was grossly misunderstood by someone in the church, and I know that if that person would have known me for the last fifteen years, I wouldn’t have been taken the way that I was. And the insecurity sweeps over me again……… In some ways, I guess it will never completely disappear.
Yes, I do have the mid-semester blues. I always do, but the good thing is that it’s going really fast and I can see an end insight. Can’t wait till this summer to do some fun, relaxing stuff-liking taking our boat out on lake michigan all weekend and hanging out on the beach. I still don’t know where I want to work when I graduate. I sort of enjoy critical care, and I love working with children, although I know working with them in a healthcare setting is a very demanding and stressful job. I guess I will know once I get done with peds. The clinical I am taking now is my last med-surg. Then I’m taking psych this summer and peds and ob in the fall. My school is really big on preparing students for the NCLEX test. They have like a 90-something% pass rate. So in the fall I have to take a critical thinking class that is just to help prepare you for NCLEX. Then there is a proctored class with 90 hours of work under an RN at a hospital. Then I’m DONE. So excited. I think I can see what you are saying about liking school better than work. Just from the little I have worked on the floor, it is such a high-stress environment that people can be difficult to work with and the work can be very frustrating if there isn’t enough help to go around. Actually, my long-term goal is to get my bachelors once I graduate and start working, then get my masters over the next years so I can teach later on. One of my dreams is to start my own nursing program. I think there are so many ways teaching nursing could be better and different, and I enjoy teaching, especially in a field that is so practical and hands-on. I already have an idea for my masters degree thesis, but I do want to take a nice long break from school for a while. My school offered me a position helping out in the writing center where students come in for help with writing papers and other English-related problems. I think I would really enjoy it, but the drive is so far and the pay wouldn’t adequately cover my time and driving costs. Maybe I’ll have to do some negotiating. Well, it is great to communicate with someone who understands the pains I’m going through and can give me some encouragement. Thanks for the feedback. Have a good day. ~LaVertta P.S. I always love the quips you put in from Adam. How did you get him to talk so grown-up? Norm and I always say if we ever have children we want to speak to them like adults from day 1. Is that part of the key?
Name your date! I’ll be ready when you’re ready….just so it’s not this week. We have to take some more photos this week but after that I should be somewhat flexible. Vernon, Marita and their family were planning to come this weekend and postponed that, so I don’t know for sure when that will be, but sometime within the next month. At any rate, that will be on a weekend and I assume I’d come down during the week.
Unless you’ve changed your mind?????
So sorry about Adam and his pneumonia. Is he all better? Five children, and not one of them had pneumonia – I feel blessed! Love the story about the washer door. BTW, did you get a front loading washer?
God has taken me thru a serious “growing” year this last one and this is a big thing I have learned……. I can only change me, no one else adn a lot of times when I change it seems like others change too, while in reality only my perspective of people and things have changed. And one other thing that has helped me so much is to realize that no one elses response, opinion or whatever has any thing to do with my worth as a person. So I choose to not allow this to make me down, depressed or whatever. It isn’t the easy way to look at things because human nature doesn’t do this way naturally, but I have found that I am SO much happier. Hope it makes sense! 🙂
Gotta love Jo’s comment–and then esp.the PS =) I think we should have known her when we were passing out surveys for the book.
I just came by to say, “Hi”. I wish I could be with you prepping, painting, whatever there is to be done. So glad Adam is better and wishing good health for all of you in the busy weeks ahead. Love you and hope to help you soon.
happy birthday Michelle! I hope it’s lovely. =)
Happy Birthday!! Hope you can take time to do something special for yourself! ~Judy
Happy Birthday Michelle. Hope you had a special day!! Kim
Hi! I was just informed via Christy that today is your birthday. Its mine, too. I don’t know of very many who share my birthday, so its pretty special. 29, is it?? I’ve got 24 months till I leave the twenties. I’m in no hurry. 🙂 Hope you have a wonderfully special day. Enjoy your last year in the twenties. 🙂
Happy belated birthday! don’t sweat thinking of the 30’s coming…. I’m loving them.
A *little bird* let us know it’s your birthday. 🙂 Hope you’re having a special day!
Happy Birthday. I don’t know you or your sister, but I read her site all the time.
Happy birthday!! found your site on your sisters site..funny how many people you find on xanga:) hope your day was great!!
And happy birthday from me, too! Love you!!!
Happy, happy, happy birthday!!!!!!! ~Jo
happy b-lated b-day:)
Sorry I’m late – hope you had a wonderful birthday!
Happy b-lated birthday!!! Better live life to the fullest before you become an old woman!. lol. you may become “old” in age, but I know you will be young in spirit for a really LONG time. 😉 -jo