Wednesday March 24, 2010
My friend Anita and I frequently keep each other grounded about the pros and cons of being married. Ninety percent of the time we are thrilled with life as is; but there are those days when the grass really does look a lot greener “over there.” Frankly, for me, this has much less to do with being a wife and more with being a mom.
Anita gets to live what I think is a very exciting life. She has sung on more international choir tours (you should see the envy oozing out of my pores) then I can keep track of under some very talented directors. She travels in Europe (not just has traveled once and I can’t even say that except for my brief stint in the British Isles). She is super involved in people’s lives and has been dean of women at two Bible Schools. She’s written a highly successful book geared toward single women, but in truth it is wonderful for all women. And while she says she is beyond the point of burnout, I can’t help but notice that her job is with other people who are by and large adult and that she has chosen to live alone as opposed to with her family so that she can have some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet. Tell me again what that is? Oh, yes, that temporary lull when the boys are both sleeping just before I start supper prep … subject to interruption at a moments notice, of course.
She, on the other hand, sees the tremendous security I bask in daily. I am inexplicably adored by David. I spend every day loving and taking care of two very normal little boys who are ours for keeps. I get to stay home, to plan my own schedule, and the demands of others are mostly demands from my immediate family … people I love so much it hurts as opposed to grouchy customers. While I only get to pursue my dreams in a limited way because of my 24/7 responsibilities, I have a 24/7 cheering squad (some people call him my husband). When I have had it with a days worth of snotty noses, clingy, whiny, volatile temper boys who suddenly forgot how to play and refuse to sleep at naptime, I get to roll my eyes at someone and we laugh at the crazy life we live together (key word being together, just in case you read that too fast.) When I cry, I get wrapped up in two strong arms. When I am tired, those same arms hold me for a few minutes until I feel some of his strength. Best of all, when I get quiet, someone knows and asks until I talk. I am sometimes lonely for social life; but I am never lonely in that aching, heart-stabbing, soul-mate missing loneliness.
Would I want to swap with her? Of course not. Would she swap with me. Never. At least not exactly with my life. Oh, she thinks David is perfectly amazing … for me, you know.
Often when we talk we tell each other the wonderful parts of our life. But when stuff gets really tarnished and one or the other of us loses perspective, we straight talk each other with the jealousy we each have for the other’s life. Still, in the end, I admit that while her life has more excitement, she’s right that the grass is greener on my end. We both know it even without my saying it.
I worried a little that there was something amiss about me missing that independence. I mean, I prayed for years and years that God would give me a husband and family. In fact, when I was about ten I told the pastor at church I wanted to grow up and have twenty-six kids. One for each letter of the alphabet you know. His smiles was enormous and finally he managed to say, “Well, you know, you could maybe go with thirteen and their middle names could count, too. So I really am living out my dream (just not the 26 kids part!). Some days I can feel that so strongly it makes me want to cry happy tears and say things so sweet they are almost sappy. Like Saturday when the weather was like heaven on earth and we planted garden and built a sandbox for the boys and dug another flower-bed. Or Sunday morning when David and I were fixing food for lunch and drinking our coffee before the boys got up and before we started the mad dash of getting ready for church. Or that afternoon as I finished cleaning up the dishes and watched David pitch ball to Adam who is learning how to bat and Liam ran around them in circles trying hard to do everything Adam did. Do I love my life? Absolutely. So why the inner unrest that pops up at the oddest times.
Last week when we took the boys to the library I picked out two novels for me. I rarely read novels (one every few months) purely because I am still terribly undisciplined when it comes to reading. I don’t hide them in the bathroom vanity anymore and pretend it’s taking extra long in the bathroom because mom isn’t here to come knock on the door anyway. But I still get so engrossed I read and read and read. Fast and furious until it’s done and sometimes way too late at night. I love a good story.
One of the books I picked up was “Swapping Lives” by Jane Green (yes, I know that is supposed to be underlined but Safari doesn’t let me do anything dramatic in xanga. Silly Macs). Sort of like Anita and I, two women see the grass greener on the other side of the fence. Except the story line is fifty million times more fascinating and the women actually DO swap lives for a time. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this book. The story is great in itself; but lines kept jumping out at me as though they should be emblazoned with a hot pink highlighter. It was like someone was reading my mind and explaining to me why I felt the way I did.
…”it’s not that I want to leave you and the children. I don’t. I love you, and you know I love the kids, it’s just that ….”
….. “I never want to be without you and Jared and Gracie, not permanently. I just need a break. It’s not that I want to be single, I just want to remember what life used to be like. I feel as though I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am anymore. What happened to the strong, successful, independent woman I used to be? How did I become a person whose sole topics of conversation …..”
… “This isn’t about you. This is about remembering who I am.”
… “When I think back to before I met Richard, when I worked in the city and had an apartment, it’s not even that it feels like a lifetime ago, it feels like it happened to someone else … I’d like to be reminded of who the real Amber is, who she was before she was defined solely as a wife and mother …”
….. “It’s not that I miss being single, it’s that I miss excitement.”
…. “All the passion she once poured onto her husband, she now pours into her children, leaving her with the comfortable feeling of an old pair of slippers.”
And suddenly I understood why I pursue things like writing and photography in the limited time and way that I do (even if it sometimes means losing ridiculous amounts of sleep). It’s why I don’t resist when David says, “You haven’t gone out with friends for awhile, why don’t you let me stay home with the boys one night?” It’s why I jump at the chance to help create a brochure or decorate the showroom even when I really don’t have time. It’s why dinner is going to be late tonight because I finished writing this post. 
It’s why my brain waves go flat when I get burned out and eliminate non-essentials. Because somehow even that tiny bit helps to keep a spark alive inside myself. Not a very bright spark, I’ll admit. But enough to help me remember, just a little, that I am still a person.
If you’re a mom, especially a mom to infants and preschoolers, what do you do to stay alive in your spirit? Or is the grass actually the greenest on your side of the fence?
right now i have a snotty nosed fuss budget on my lap. i’ll be back to comment for real!
totally laughing at your 26 kids. and bless that ministers heart for such a kind reply. i am glad he didn’t laugh and say you have no idea what you just said!
for the last 4 years, i haven’t really done anything and this winter i awoke the realization that i MUST do something. still trying to sort it out. i look at my mom. she loves the outdoors and her flower beds and garden and she is a great, fun friend to many people. she pursues those things and spends much of time in those pursuits. and her house is t.e.r.r.i.b.l.e my dad is much more of a perfectionist and it would be very pleasing to him if she kept the house neat and tidy and laundry folded and organized in the drawers,etc. i think it would be a way she could honor him. but she just doesn’t have the time it would take to do that. she would have to cut back on the interests that keep her alive. should she learn to find more fulfillment in the housework? is that possible? i don’t know, maybe that example is one i should avoid contemplating, since that really doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of the she could/he could issues in my parents marriage and maybe if other problems were resolved, this would fall into place.
so where was i? oh, yeah. waiting for an answer, right beside you.
I’m a mom to three kids, and it is really hard to find the time to do anything outside of family. I read books, go for walks, take pictures…. once in a while I take a couple of days to visit my sister. Really, though, my kids are an ingrained part of staying alive in spirit. It is harder with the younger two, but my oldest son (turning 8 soon) is getting to the point that I can share with him and teach him about the things that are vital to me, creatively and intellectually. We write short stories together, take pictures together, if I am painting he will sit with me and alternate between watching me or making a painting of his own. The smaller ones (1 and 5) allow me to vicariously experience once again the thrill of discovery,, the joy of being. The grass is greener here? Yes. But the part of you that gets fed up, that wishes for something else, is important. It is the part of you that is thinking and comparing, and without that you wouldn’t have the beautiful moments of realizing how blessed you really are.
Fun to read this post….I know the blah feeling of really who am I anyways? Just a cook, the cleaning lady, the dirty diaper manager, oh and don’t forget the laundry genie. Somedays I sigh with contentment and thank God for this life, and then ten minutes later I’ve had it! I so think it is important to have a few pleasures in life….so I scrap..walk every day, go on shopping trips all by myself, out with friends every once in awhile, and lay in the sun! Don’t get me started on reading, I can’t quit in the middle of a book, so I just won’t let myself get started sometimes. Francine River’s books always hold me captive and I can’t get a blessed thing done ’til I’ve read every last word, and then I go over the book for days in my mind, it’s crazy. So enjoy the books, the decorating and anything else that gives your mind a breath of fresh air.
Oh, how I hate wearing slippers, and I know why: I’m subconsciously rebelling against the conotation that comes along with them. Passion is reserved for those in black pumps or even cute sandals, but slippers? Leave it to slippers to somehow embody the role of stay-at-home-mom or homemaker like no other thing. I am one, for sure, who needs a plethora of outlets to help the grass appear greenest on my side of the fence. First off, I search out and connect with others via Xanga or message boards who remind me that the thoughts and emotions I’m facing in this stage of life are not only nothing to be ashamed of, but are also shared by many! I’ve taught a ladies’ Sunday School class (helped me fill that teaching itch a bit more than homeschooling a first grader). I started a Share Group of four ladies who meet twice a month to literally “share life together”, as is our motto. No Bible studies, just sharing what God has been doing through the circumstances of our lives. My biggest endeavors this year that have purposefully been my outlets were to teach two music classes within our homeschool group, as well as a drama class (that is still going on, Friday night is showtime for the One Act play we’ve been rehearsing). Oh, how these things give me life- they put a fire back in me that for the longest time I thought needed to be sacrificed on the altar of “wife-and-motherdom”. So I guess I’ve learned that motherhood does not have to be entirely “fuzzy slippers”, I can throw in “cute sandals” or even the occasional “black pumps” here and there, which I’m glad about because passion is a shame to waste.
well said!
Well said… I agree, yet I could go into my eeyore-ish mode of feeling so blah… since my kids are older and they need me but in a different way, and what have I done in the last 23 years.. I wish I had pursued outside interests.. I wish there had been more options opened to me (that I would have seen) other than honing my perfectionistic tendency in keeping a neat house… now at times, I feel paralyzed, to know that here I am and now what??? Anyhow… I am actually going to pursue something I would have never dreamed of 23 yrs. ago.. getting my CNA for starters.. I am scared stiff, and excited.. and feel guilty.. I mean my kids are still all home , you know… I write all this to say.. I wouldn’t trade my life.. sometimes I wish things would have been different.. but I applaud all you young moms out there who put your energy into your families and yet take time to cultivate who you are outside of mommy hood, and wifedom. Long post here.. sorry.. 🙂
oh. that was a good one!!!
I’m very restless. It’s my nature. But it’s hard for me to pursue outlets that fulfill me because I’m either in over my head or not at all. When I’m landscaping that’s all I can think, when I’m into studying WW II everything else is a fog. And then reality becomes so depressing because I have sooooo much to catch up on… So right now i have kids and you know, #4 has brought me more peace than i ever thought possible. I can truelly say along with all those other grandmas that I KNOW these are the best days of my life… I love history. Love it. so we talk a lot of it around here. Tonight was Trail of Tears while washing their hair…and it’s good for now!!! I’m still restless but I now know that it is meant to be. It’s a blessing from God.
To tell you the truth…I don’t have a “life”. But I DO walk main street occasionally and buy salt water taffy. and I’m going to take a painting class. I will surely stress that teacher out. It’s payback time.
===== http://www.tnta.us ====
Air jordan(1-24)shoes $30
Handbags(Coach l v f e n d i d&g) $35
Tshirts (Polo ,ed hardy,lacoste) $15
Jean(True Religion,ed hardy,coogi) $30
Sunglasses(Oakey,coach,gucci,A r m a i n i) $15
New era cap $12
FREE sHIPPING
====== http://www.tnta.us ====
It’s kind of funny that you wrote about this because the last while I was trying to think about what I could do to broaden my horizons a bit, but it seems like for me right now it’s not a good time to be involved in something else. But than again, when is? I had the kind of mom that just took care of her family and seemed very happy and content to be doing just that, and maybe doing some quilting and sewing for people on the side and as we got older she babysat, and since that’s how I was brought up, I think that’s how I tend to be, but there are days I envy my friend who gets to leave her little girl with her mom and go work as a NURSE in a HOSPITAL and than I get a envious of her getting completely out of the house.
Most days I love my life and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but than I have days where I love my life, but if anyone has the nerve to tell me something like, “…. enjoy every single moment, ….this is the easiest stage in life…” (you know, with that syrupy sweet tone) I would run for the hills with a rebel yell. Just for a little while.
Enjoyed your post. =)
This was a lovely post. I could feel a little smug when I read the tired mom’s comments about wanting to expand their horizons and “do things…” because I’ve been able to do SO MUCH … missionary for nine years, wrote a book that’s on its second printing, school teacher in the far north and now the deep south, Bible school three times … running around with three youth groups even at age thirty … but of course the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence … sometimes. Often I think I have it made in the shade and life could hold nothing better. This summer I will be traveling with my family and then I get to come back to my beloved Georgia to teach again in the best school in the world. Other times I think I’d want to be a stay-at-home mom. But I think in whatsoever state I am, I will be content. There’s nothing better than being in the center of God’s will.
This was good, Michelle, no it was excellent! I often wondered what I would do if I had to go to work. I don’t have any formal training, (but I do have some passions!). Would I have to cook in a restaurant? HELP! I get tired of making breakfast at home!
I loved taking care of my family, but I didn’t tell them that sometimes I would think of running away. What would I be if I didn’t have them? I’m not sure.
It’s wonderful that you have skills and talents beyond your little world in the house. Don’t let them die!
Thanks for putting into words what my heart often feels.
Hey Michelle, i know i still have a while etc, but i do sometimes wish i could be at home with a hubby & kids… but i do love being able to travel, eating when i want, being able to go out, taking care of all sorts of different kiddos and so on. but – the 4 days i spent looking after my friends 3 children – aged 4 & under, were awesome! So… i think grass is greener whatever happens!!
Wow. I really identified with your post! I want to read that book sometime! One outlet for me as a mommy that has been such a boost is being the leader of a young girl’s group from our church. My husband and I were youth leaders for 2 years and we’ve carried a love/burden for our young folks in our hearts even before that experience and now after it. Finally about a year and half ago I began to fulfill a dream of mine…and that is to actively disciple young ladies in my home. This year we are going through Leslie Ludy’s book, “Set Apart Femininity”. It is written for young ladies in particular but it has been extremely inspiring and challenging for me as well. I think the things that I love most about leading this group is 1) I am fulfilling a life long dream that I’ve had for the way I believe older/younger woman should teach/learn/grow together.(and I am doing it even as a mom of 3 preschoolers/toddlers and baby #4 on the way!) 2) It is a spiritually challenging and encouraging time for me, totally unrelated to my daily struggles of being a mom. Of course, I often find personal application to that area of my life, but in group time we are not discussing how I am being such a failure etc. 3). I find it very energizing and affirming to realize just how much they admire me as a wife and mother and it reminds me that this is a life to be cherished and enjoyed and even coveted at times despite all the nitty gritty that goes along with it.
The end.
I am afraid sometimes I do nothing much to stay alive in my spirit- and that bothers me. But by the time I get the things done that need to be done, i have little time and certainly no energy to pursue much else. I guess I was raised that way, and it’s so hard to break free from it, but it is one of my goals to learn to love life, and and be completely and vibrantly alive!
That book sounds interesting. I can relate to a lot of those excerpts. I put a hold on it at the library- I’m gonna see what i think!
Love the post. I can so identify with the same feelings. And I will read that book! With my name in it, I’m afraid it will seem I’m reading about myself. 🙂 Some days I feel very alive and my spirit is at peace with what life has handed to me. The next I feel trapped in my little world and I want to run away. Just get in the van alone and drive till I have to stop. I’ve never done that so far, but I do run to the grocery store alone at 10pm, just because I can. 🙂
Here comes the Grandma again. I love your posts Michelle because you are so honest. Just like Cretora… I love the honesty in her posts too. And your own mother’s. When we had been married 7 years I went through exactly what you are saying. We counseled with an older Uncle & Aunt and they said it’s perfectly normal around 5-10 years of marriage to feel this way but just be patient because the day will come I will want nothing more than to stay at home. That day came. I have been there for years and it’s a wonderful feeling.
last night i read this, michelle, right after discussing this very thing with my hubs….lately i am just a puddle of tears cuz this is ex.act.ly. how i feel…esp the parts you quoted out of that book. i have heard that this is something very common when women hit that 30ish stage??? i have no clue. but i do know it helps to hear that others go thru the same thing, and i dont just suck at life (even though that’s how it feels) . i am kinda a “factual” type of person rather than just playing off of my feelings all the time; however, at the same time, i am very in tune/aware of my feelings….so i KNOW in my head what is going on…however, then there are the FEELINGS…and then…oh. the war that can go on between the two!! i keep going up and re-reading your quotes….mmmm. a kindred spirit….and a post forming in my head!! 🙂 can’t wait to meet you!! 🙂
This is what I try to figure out. How much of life is learning to be content with where you are and find joy in that, and how much of life is about doing something with that restlessness and passion and using it for good? I wish you could feel how much I want to know the answer to that question. Loved your post, as usual. Great food for thought!
@mlt10202002 –
Wow, sounds like a lot of stuff and underlying issues to sort through there ..
@lilies_of_snow –
I like what you said about it getting easier now that your oldest is 8. My oldest is 5, almost 6, and already I am seeing a little more hope and interest to my days. At least our conversations and activities are no longer limited to the very basics.
@cuz_He_lives –
@amoshaun –
Good for you in giving your time back to others! I am amazed that you have the energy to pour into someone else. I hope you keep feeling inspired that way!
@qawzse789 –
Kim, that is so exciting! Let me know how you like it! It’s never too late to fulfill a dream and have new beginnings!
@babydazed –
I’ll run with you some days and I bet I can yell louder. 🙂
@chai_with_Ruth –
Good words
@richlyblest –
@Carsonsmom2 –
I hope you enjoy. And Amber, I totally do that grocery thing at night, too!
@lin789 –
I love that you do history with your girls! That’s my weak point. I like reading it; but I can’t ever remember it when I want to. But, oh, how I love science.
@psalm150girl –
Can you come keep my kids? 😉
@theoriginalbeachnut –
When I saw your comment this morning I told David, “Oh, I just LOVE your aunt!” So I wonder if my mom wanted to run away sometimes when we were little. 🙂 Or maybe I don’t want to know.
@minniesonora –
That’s really interesting … especially because we will celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer.
@appalolly –
We could hash that one for a very long time!
@lovinbloggin –
Hmm, a thirties thing. Definitely fits, too. Can’t wait to hear the post you’re forming!
WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS THIS SUMMER!!! To stay alive in my spirit-this is something I am passionate about. I dream. I idealize. I imagine myself doing all kinds of impossible things. I design and decorate houses in my mind, and go there to relax. Ok, that sounds a little weird. But I really CAN picture my round house on stilts by the seaside, and I can hear the waves crashing and the seagulls crying. I know, I know-Lolita the missionary in Poland does these crazy ‘escaping reality’ things. But when my life closes in around me, I really love to think about beautiful places and my spirit is refreshed. Writing and music are wonderful spirit brighteners too. Ok, am I going to post this? Yes, I am! 🙂
Although I’ve never met you….I feel as if we are kindred spirits. You’ve voiced some of the things I’ve been feeling. My goal and focus is to serve God where He planted me. With contentment. And not neglect using the talents He’s given me. It’s encouraging to hear someone else telling me it’s okay to pursue small hobbies. (=
God bless you. Christine
@lolita_rose –
Yes we ARE going to talk about these things this summer!!! I can already tell there will not be enough time and way too much to talk about! CanNOT wait! Oh, and you’re not wierd. My mom and dad just redid a lot of big things in their house (it was way overdue) and before they did I used to lie in bed at night and dream of sending them off to Europe for six weeks and then re-doing stuff while they were gone. :0
@minniesonora –
I kept thinking about this while I was scrubbing the bathtub … that restless feeling that “goes away.” Does it really or is it because you really are less tied down? Yes, you are still a mom ten years from then and there are enormous issues I know nothing of. At the same time, a mom with teenagers CAN get out without taking all the kids with her or finding a sitter. You ARE allowed to think at least some of the time without interruption for more then five minutes b/c either your kids are entertaining themselves, at school, or you left them at home while you ran to get groceries. Because sometimes I think my restlessness has more to do with the “not being able to” then the things that are keeping me from doing them. I hope that makes sense.
yes!!!! i will have ur kids!!!!
@smilesbymiles – I am reading the book Faithful at 50 by Edith S. Witmer published by CLP. Good book for those of us in this spot. One chapter is subtitled The Weary Years and this is referring to the Sandwich Years in which we are now dealing with Fundamentals for Living, Hormone Hassles, Changing Bodies, Empty Nests, Midlife Crisis, Grieving for Lost Children, Marriage to our Man, Getting Older, Blooming in the Valley of Loss, Living with Physical Pain, Being a Godly Grandmother, the Mother-in-Law Game, Realizing Rewarding Relationships and being an Older Mother.
We are dealing with both the generation before us, our parents in their elderly years, caring for them in ways we’ve never done before but at the same time keeping healthy relationships with our adult children and being the “perfect” grandmother. These are dubbed The Weary Years by those who have gone on before me. I am wondering if the restless feeling leaves because we’re plain too tired to care anymore? My sisters and I use to sit up half the night and have gab sessions after our children were in bed. Now that we don’t have little children to put to bed anymore, we’re too tired to care about talking late. Our perspective changes as we age and my goal is to age gracefully as the book suggests.
I need an Anita in my life. I loved the post.
Ahh, Michelle, Loved your post!
Really enjoyed the post as well, even though I’m on the same “side” of life as Anita! Realistically I think every phase in life has the potential of becoming hum-drum. Right now I’m tired of the 8-5 M-F work schedule. Not tired enough to pursue anything else because I really do have a great job. Just tired of not being able to decide my own schedule for the day, etc. I think the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence so we have to look for the green on our own side. I love how you (and other married ladies) pursue other interests as well. But there are plenty of single people who feel their life is blah. It all comes down to noticing the green grass nearest you. 🙂
This was fun reading. I easily relived my younger life – the passion, the dreams, the restlessness….the settling in, the tiredness. Some days I wake up and realize God has fulfilled a dream, a passion, and it has even become a part of my life without me realizing it. It’s amazing.
That is too bad it didn’t work to send us off to Europe! I would have been touring during the day and lying in bed at night dreaming of things I would want to do and come home to a dream fulfilled.
Such a great post Michelle. It’s funny, because just this evening while I was showering, I was pondering (i hadn’t even read your post yet)….
….Only 3 days ago I woke up in the morning and lay there beside my honey, reflecting on our life, our little family and home…and I thought to myself, this IS the life I used to dream about! —–Now tonight, I feel so restless and discontent…frustrated and tired! How can this be?!?
What do I do to bring aliveness to my life? Recently when I had a group of ladies here, I was telling my husband how I felt soooo energized afterwards! I love to entertain/host other ladies….and especially when we “connect” with each other and share from our hearts! Also, getting out with other kindred spirit girlfriends, over coffee! Creating. Anything from brochures, wall hangings, to restoring thrift store finds! It helps me come alive! I love to create beauty for my little family to enjoy. When I see them enjoying my efforts, I am energized! But, sometimes I don’t ‘feel’ like doing any of the above……………..!! That’s where I’m at tonight. So, this was good to read. Looks like I’m not alone.
Thanks for the post Michelle!
I can relate…. I did a quick read and it’s late and my brain is fried. may be back later to put in more of my ten cents.
@minniesonora –
That does make a lot of sense!
@singingrachel –
Can’t wait to hear what you have to say!
There are many things I could say, but you have said most of them. Right now, I’m going through one of those dead-feeling time, so I think I should wait to comment until I come out of it. 🙂
I know…. I’m way behind times but I L.O.V.E. your post!!!! As I scanned over your comments, I found it interesting… these feelings hit at 5 – 10 yrs of marriage and around the 30 yr. mark… and that’s exactly where I am! I just read a book (am rereading it now) that has been such an encouragement to me, “Prayers and Peanut Butter”. I would recommend it to any mom!! (And just now I MUST run along… my 2 mo. old baby is wailing for his mom!) God bless you for your honesty and encouragement!! I was blessed!!!!!!!!! ~Lavonne