Wednesday November 2, 2011
I have a lot of fears. More than I’d like to admit, really. One of the things I was most afraid of growing up was walking into a new situation. I hated visiting churches because I dreaded Sunday School in a strange church. What if I didn’t know where to go? What if no one talked to me? My parents weren’t of the easy, oh-you-can-just-stay-with-me variety and I had to go. Never once did I get lost, but neither did I ever stop being afraid until I hit twelve or thirteen.
I hated talking to strangers. What if I didn’t know what to say? What if they didn’t talk? And true to form, my mom didn’t let me off the hook there either. We HAD to go talk to visitors at our church. When we said, “BUT MOM ….” she just smiled sweetly and said, “You can either go talk to her by yourself or I’ll go with you.” Trust me. That was plenty of motivation to move on my own. Not that my mom wasn’t nice. And not that having her along wouldn’t have made the conversation start easily. But the hey-my-mom-is-here-because-I’m-too-shy-to-talk connotation was beyond embarrassing.
It happened everywhere. Even a brand new restaurant was enough to make me nervous. There’s probably a phobia name for people like me.
Then I went to college. I’d never been to public school. Our eNORmous private school of ninety-six students, ninety percent of which attended the same church I did, did little to prepare me for the culture shock of being alone. I went to school and stayed in the same classroom. Suddenly I was navigating classrooms and class schedules and learning how to use a microscope in a lab with thirty other kids who knew what they were doing. Scared? You have no idea. For the first two weeks I ate my lunch in the car just for some space and safety.
Then I met Holly and a few more friends. By then I’d aced the first few tests and discovering that my private school education actually did hold water and I wasn’t going to be light years behind gave me another shot of confidence. Before long I was hanging out in the cafeteria with friends as long as I could between classes and transferring to a different community college because the honors program was better and the clinicals practiced at a bigger hospital. Finally, new things weren’t quite so horrible. I felt twinges with every new semester as I once again found new classes, but it was better. Way better.
Fast forward a few years down the road and I’d lost all the fear. I’d learned that getting lost is as easy as asking directions. That no one kicks you out when you make a mismove out of ignorance. And best of all, my instructors had drilled the “There is no such thing as a dumb question” concept into my head well enough to take care of the rest.
Now, almost eight years into this journey of stay at home mom, I feel the woolies creeping back in. I find myself afraid to try. Afraid to risk. Afraid of new situations that take me out of my comfort zone. And I do not like it. Not one little bit.
So last week when I got a phone call from a research group, I tentatively hung on. They asked a million and one questions about my history, work, education, and who I was associated with. Best I could tell, they were performing research on something either related to business or law and they would pay me $125 for six hours of my time. Compared to book royalties, that looks like a millionaire in the making. She kept asking questions and I kept hedging. “But do you realize that I am a stay at home mom and that I am not abreast of what is going on in this area? I mean, I don’t even have TV.”
“Yes, I know, but we want a wide variety of people. You don’t have to know about this stuff. You just have to be able to express your opinion.”
By the time we’d talked for thirty minutes I was convinced it was not a hoax. I was equally convinced that I was trying to get her to disqualify me so that I wouldn’t have to face my fears. I mean come on, she couldn’t even tell me what I was going to be stating my opinions about.
I signed up. 1. Because I could really use $125. 2. Because I knew it was time to face my fears head on and make them go away.
I was nervous. Really nervous. And I went back to pulling out all the old coping techniques. “You can’t do anything worse than mess up. It’s ok to say, ‘I don’t know.’ This is going to be good for you. Think about it being fun. Stop thinking about yourself.”
Oddly enough, by the time I got to the {very nice} hotel, I was excited. I saw plenty of other people walking in with the print out in hand and I knew it was all going to be ok. Signed in. Remembered to smile. Sat down to fill out paperwork and suddenly realized this was not about market research at all. I was essentially becoming a juror in a medical malpractice lawsuit and my “opinion” was not only an opinion, it was going to change the course of the lawsuit. I thought perhaps the wording was wrong. But nope. Flipping through a few more pages I noticed juror # ___ on each page. Rats.
I walked back out to where I’d signed in. “I’m so sorry, but I didn’t realize I was actually about to become a juror and I cannot morally incriminate someone. I was told on the phone this was about business. I did not in any way mean to lead you on in regards to my participation.”
And just like that I hear a deep voice from three feet in front of me. “Yeah, they told me that, too, and I can’t act as a juror either.” I don’t know what you’d expect when you hear that, but I did not expect to see a twenty something male with long dark hair, darker sunglasses, and a bit of modern hippie in his demeanor. Just saying, he must have been as wide left on moral issues as I was wide right.
They were incredibly kind. Gave us both $40 for showing up and told us they couldn’t tell us it was about a lawsuit because plenty of people would jump in just for that reason because they want revenge. I was bummed.
At first I was bummed mostly because I really wanted that $125. AND the lunch cart was just rolling in. But as more of the afternoon rolled by, I realized that I was equally bummed by other losses. The thought of a medical ethics discussion has me absolutely salivating. I KNOW that moms are oh, so important. I know that in my head. My job and times with the boys is priceless. Blah blah blah. I really do believe it. And I wouldn’t trade it or else I’d be doing something else. This is voluntary. I just wish I could do two things at once. Because being there made me realize how much I miss being involved on an adult level and feeling as though you are actually a valuable, contributing member of society.
But hey, it was fun getting dressed up. And I did face my fears and go so I still win. Now maybe I can work on one of the next ones on the list. Anyone want to go with me? (Who said I learned anything?) 
good job facing those fears! That’s how you grow as a person.
way to go with facing that fear thing.
and, i know it’s not the point of this post, but i’m soo intrigued about the whole juror thing! what in the world! so, they actually misled you to get you to come and be a juror? this was at a hotel? not a courthouse? and, did they admit that they had misled you when you stated what you did? that all seems incredibly odd to me, but it could be from 1. the fact that i know next to nothing about the medical world, and 2. i’m a little too intrigued and sucked into the world of lawsuits and juror, thanks to my dear friend John Grisham. ;o)
have a great thursday!
@foreveranoatneygirl_n2Hisown – You and I share the John Grisham love. 🙂 Yes, they did admit that they misled me. Well, they didn’t say misled, they said, ” purposely withheld information.” And yes, it was at a hotel. And interestingly, the case was in your state not mine (trying to be vague here so as not to blow my chances at ever doing one again, b/c had I gone into it there would have been big confidentiality rules and while I didn’t sign in, I don’t want to infringe on anyone’s rights either). I don’t think the oddness has to do with the medical world, but with the legal world. But I am DYING to know what the actual lawsuit is. Is it a huge issue and that’s why they had to go out of state and screen by almost misleading to avoid getting people invested in the case? But I agree, it’s very odd.
Now I’m curious!! Maybe sometime John Grisham will write a book about it, and then we can all find out the juicy details!! 🙂
Oh, that DOES sound exciting!! I’m right with you on the fears topic too!! Amazing how God takes you outside your comfort zone time and time again.
on a side note: I had a physician tell me once (after I said I had “stupid question” to ask). I looked me in the eye and said in a solemn voice “Dawn, there are NO stupid questions…..only stupid people”. LOL. I still laugh about it every time I ask him (or anyone) a “stupid question”.
As a child, I was painfully shy. I didn’t want to start school, and for weeks I cried every morning after I started first grade. I’d sit in the car after church & read rather than play with the other children. And visiting other churches was pure torture! Then somewhere along the line I came out of my shell. As a teenager, I was dissatisfied with the “norm”, confident, adventurous and fearless. I absolutely LOVED getting out of my “comfort zone”—in fact, I’d have preferred spending an evening with youth I didn’t know, than with my own youth group. But in the last few years, I’ve found myself reverting way too much to my childhood mindset, and I don’t like it AT ALL.
So as a fellow stuck-in-the-comfortable-rut SAHM, I applaud you! I’d LOVE to go with you the next time!! 😉
good for you girl for SHOWING UP to begin with.. which i think is the first step to truly conquering, eh?
and i don’t think courage is being all sassy and in your face confident or whatever – – it seems to me, the greatest kind of courage is the kind that quietly keeps doing what you know is right. just as you did!!
Good for you for facing your fears and getting out there and doing something out of your comfort zone!!
Oh my. I face so many of these fears. I would rather sit safety, quietly in my comfortable spot then get out and do some of these things. You go!
Way to go, girl!
You sounds so much like me growing up. I rarely ever made the first move when it came to talking to kids my age. And to this day, unless I’m in charge of something and I have to, I tend to be really quiet in a group-especially adults. It’s the hardest when I walk into a room full of people and don’t know a soul. Most people wouldn’t think that I’m quiet though because I’ve had to press on and not let it show. 🙂 Teaching piano has been such a good opportunity for that since I have to meet parents and students. 🙂
My mom was EXACTLY like yours. (Except I don’t remember her threatening to come with us to talk to a stranger.) And I so know what you mean about reverting back to old thinking after being married and staying at home all the time. Is it something about getting dependent on a man? Or mommy-brain? Or what?! I used to be a confident driver and my older sisters would get me to drive through the cities when we were going on a trip. Now all that fast traffic freaks me out and I’m only too glad to let Dan do it.
Your story is SO intriguing. What a disappointment, though. I’m glad you had fun dressing up. That would be like me as well. What scarf did you wear? 🙂 And I don’t want to act like I so understand every bit of this post (because I know NOTHING about the medical field and am not a bit like you in lots of ways), but I “get” that longing, that ache to be recognized as an adult and part of a bigger scope of things. My dream was always teaching English somewhere…fuzzy thoughts of foreign cities or big Mennonite schools or something. But here I am. And it’s good.
@srheam – Good one, Dr!
@itsayoderworld – Oh, man, you WERE shy!! I’d never guess it now. Proud of you for learning to conquer those fears and coming to my house when you didn’t know me!!!!!!!!!!!! Look what we’d have missed out on! And if you lived closer to me, I’d talk you into doing something out of the ordinary with me to bust our fears. 🙂 I WISH I’d be brave enough to take a public speaking class.
@quiet_hearts – Keep the longing. Much as I think life would be easier (to be content) if I didn’t have it, I think it’s a good thing. B/c the longing keeps us from complacency to a degree. You know that little driving tidbit is just kind of sealing something for me. I think it’s not so much about being a SAHM as not practicing things. We gain confidence when we do something often. I used to spend so much time on the road (long commute to work, lots of traveling) that my car felt like an extension of my body. Doesn’t feel like that anymore. But it also explains why I’m more “shy” … because I’m not practicing meeting new people, talking to strangers, making small talk frequently. So maybe it’s not that we lost the skill, we’ve just gotten rusty. Now if I could just figure out how to bust a manageable window into this little world of mine…. And next time you guys go to the city, I think you should drive. 🙂 Seriously, it’s probably alzheimers prevention. 🙂 🙂
Four weeks ago we started going to a new church. And even though I knew a lot of the people there, I was appalled at my fears. However, there were other dynamics involved, not just the simple thing of walking into a different church. 😉 But it was good for me/us, and I think getting kicked out of my comfort zone every now and then is SO good for me/us all!