What Would You Do?
The other week Zara and I were shopping at Marshalls after my prenatal appointment. It was pretty busy like it usually is in the afternoons. Normally, I don’t pay much attention to other shoppers unless I’m standing in line people watching; but this time I ran into the same mom twice. I still probably wouldn’t have even noticed except that she had two boys just younger than the ages of ours. And there was a lot of yelling. Neither one of the boys was staying with her and the youngest, who was maybe six, was in under clothes racks, tunneling through clothes like a rabbit creating a new burrow. Did I mention yelling? Oh, yeah? That was the mom. The boys didn’t seem to hear her.
She had clearly had it.
I finished looking and got into the checkout line.
Unknown to me (until the yelling started again), she was in line behind me.
The yelling got worse. The littlest kid whined and she snapped that he’d just lost his privilege of stopping at Toys R Us. He whined some more and she said yelled, “No, I mean it.”
He spit at her.
I’m not even kidding. It was kind of a spluttery, lots of air included spit, but clearly intended to be a spit.
About that time, Zara peers around my shoulder at their little family, makes eye contact with the mom, and breaks into one of her biggest smiles.
I didn’t even turn around; but her words pierced the entire area. “Yes, I see you being all cute. But I’m sure you have your moments, too.”
That’s not the question. Zara definitely has her moments. But in my head, I wondered how overwhelmed a mom has to be to get snarky with a two year old who smiles at her?
We checked out while her son walked over in front of the door and picked at the floral display while his mom tried to ignore him and then said, “Do you want to get picked up by someone? Get back over here.” I had Zara buckled and crawled into my own seat just in time to see her forcibly dragging a very reluctant boy across the parking lot. The doors were closed but her facial expression and mouth movement when they crawled into their own car was telling.
And all the while, I watched helplessly.
What is there to do? We all know moments of frustration. But there was something in the level of their interaction that spoke of living this way a lot. He was six for crying out loud. Not two and missing his nap. Not thirteen and belligerent. Just six. There was a side of me that wished for a business card for Allegany Boys Camp so I could have scrawled, “Hang onto this for three years. I suspect you’re going to want it.” and quietly given it to her. There was a side of me that wished I could think of something encouraging to say ….. anything. A “hang in there, you’re going to make it,” kind of message. After the way Zara’s smile antagonized her, I’m not convinced anything could have felt encouraging. There was a lot of me that ached inside for that kid and his mama and the life they’re living.
I really don’t like seeing pain happening.
Have you ever run into a really upset family in public and have you ever had the courage to speak into it? Have you ever been that mama? What would have spoken hope to your heart?
Bless Zara for smiling! ❤ My kids stand there with their mouths hanging open.
I’ll be honest… While the kids ARE being completely bratty, it’s them my heart really hurts for.
I remind myself that I have no clue what that mother is dealing with in her life. But on the flipside, I don’t think it’s okay to take your frustrations (regardless of what they may be) out on children.
Unfortunately I’m the one who quietly walks away.. What DO you say? How can you speak encouragement into her life?
Oh, I hear you! The kids are the ones who are being wounded most. I’ve spent a lot of years feeling sorry for the kid and mentally being judgmental of the mom in these situations. It feels like she is the adult. She is the one who is supposed to be making the good choices regardless of how she feels. I’m not sure why this time hit me so differently. I think it had a little something to do with her level of anger / frustration. And maybe also because I’ve heard the desperate other side of the story a lot in the last three years and seen how possible it is for a nine year old to be so out of control that his mom and dad lock themselves in the car to protect themselves from him. I think I kind of felt like I got a glimpse of a six year old who was enroute to that place and a mom who is quickly getting to that point. But I TOTALLY agree with you that it was completely unacceptable and that he is the one who is hurting most. I think I often wonder, what would it have taken three years ago to help someone not get to a residential admission (assuming this is even possible)? And what should / could we be doing to walk into those situations wisely? Or is that not possible?
I feel like it must be possible. Or maybe I just want there to be something tangible I could do. It’s such a helpless feeling walking away from a situation like that without having said or done anything.
These are deeply, deeply troubling moments to witness. A mom who has had it and has become totally cynical. She’s right…it doesn’t take much imagination to identify the truth that all of our kids fit in with hers…in the struggle to fight for themselves and their RIGHTS! But to believe that that is all they can and will be? That’s where I know she’s going to get nowhere and she’ll be miserable in the process. That is pain…so poignant and yet so “out of reach.” Michelle…don’t you think God feels toward us like you did toward that mom…”after her remark to the smiling two year old”…what will ever capture their attention and bring it back to me?
Little experience here…but once I did stop by the road because their was a sobbing teenage girl sitting out by the bank. Talked to her for a while (listened to her tell me how her parents told her to get out of the house) then took her back in and talked with them a little. Very strange moment for me and for them when they came to the door. I wasn’t anticipating that when I stopped… Years later I met parents AND daughter when I visited their business and we discussed that mega awkward moment. THey were scared I might be on on her side and report them or something. Truth is they are a pretty good family and I just got in on some serious tense teenage drama/pressure. So a bit embarrassing but better to be embarrassed and involved/care than to just “forget” Blessings!
I loved hearing the long version of this story in person. 🙂
While I haven’t ever said this, my friend Jaya has in such a situation, “Take your child to Sunday school and teach him about Jesus and he’ll be good.” It can’t hurt and may give her something to think about later. I’ve filed it away for future use.
I’m not a mom, but I’ve seen those situations and I’ve never said anything cause I felt like I didn’t know what to say. But it does bother me a lot… so much pain and frustration coming from both sides. And I have wondered what to do and how to speak encouragement in those situations?
This is a very interesting post, and I can identify with as I have been in similar situations. I recently read a challenging article in the newspaper, yes you read right.:). It was on how to stop abuse, amazingly. It gave encouragement on being aware of mom’s and their struggles in public places, and suggested buying a cold drink and just giving it to them and offer a blessing. Like say” I notice you are having a hard day” or if it apply’s ,”you are doing a good job etc. “. How many of us wouldn’t like that? Just maybe by showing you noticed will give her a wake up call? This was not in the paper but praying for her before you do anything and If she seems at all open to it how about prayer in the parking lot? I can definitely do better,it’s so easy to just go on my busy way!
This is a great idea!
My child has been going to Sunday School all his life and he gets Bible stories every evening, but it hasn’t kept him from creating grocery story scenes that might leave some other children with their mouths hanging open.
I think the thing that encourages me the most is when other people talk kindly to my children. It might not have been possible in the scene you described, Michelle, but when the cashier or the person in line behind me talks to my boys, it makes me feel so much better about being a mother and it can give me the moment I need to collect my thoughts and figure out what to do next. The hardest thing (for me) in parenting is the total absence of any breaks. I get to the point where I really can’t think clearly any more, and if someone would just say “Hi” to my child and distract him for one minute, I could get myself together and be good to go again.
I, too, have felt very alone as a (single) Mom when out with my kids and have always felt acknowledged and supported when any adult even makes eye contact with and smiles at my kids and I, let alone talks to us (or just them to, as you say, give me a chance to gather myself together).
To actually give the child who is fussing a candy or novelty to distract their attention and quell their vocal protests – or engage the older child in a little conversation is a rare demonstration of compassion and thoughtfulness in action.
My grandmother set the example of always carrying a few colourful candies and an interesting keychain or toy in her purse for just such situations. As children, we were also taught musical finger games that could distract small children from their unhappiness. A kaleidoscope is a beautiful distraction for primary school children that easily opens the door for questions and conversation. I have an old AVON brush that folds up into a disk that never ceases to amaze anyone of any age!